If you want a medical degree, they’re literally hanging on doctor’s walls. Grab one.
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No, LinkedIn. I would not like to link my Twitter account but thank you for trying to get me unemployed for life.
When I go “Commando” I carry around a big machine gun & speak with an Austrian accent while I track down my daughter’s kidnappers.
My wife makes us recycle everything.
*empties condom into sink*
if you have over 100 followers there is a secret group of people who meet once a week to throw darts at a picture of your face
me: you’ve changed since you go the pfizer vaccine
Jepfpf: no I haven’t
Geopfpf: I think she was talking to me
“Do I need to put my shoes back on for this?” is apparently a bad answer when your boss calls you into a meeting
In Good Will Hunting, Ben Affleck goes to Matt Damon’s house every day but secretly hopes he isn’t there. I have a similar thing with one of my friends. Whenever I go to his house, I secretly hope Matt Damon isn’t there.
me: 11 can you come here
11: am i in trouble?
me: …no…but…should you be?
11: no.
me: sus.
Just burnt 2,000 calories…
That’ll be the last time I bake a pizza while I’m asleep!
Son: have you checked the chicken? Is it ok?
Me:*opens oven door* you ok in there? Not too hot for you is it?
Young people of today will never know the joy of having a cassette stuck in the car stereo & listening to the same 12 songs for 20 years.
Taxidermist’s Wife: Whatcha thinkin’ about?
Taxidermist: Stuff.
Sometimes I feel like people on Facebook share things as a way of saying “Here’s this horrible story I saw today. I hope it makes you feel like shit also.”
I made a mix tape for a girl in the 90’s & she responded by giving me a blank cassette titled “What I Like About You”.
Europeans’ out of offices are like “I will not be working until 18 September. All emails will be automatically deleted.”
Americans: “I am in the hospital. Email responses may be delayed by up to 30 mins. Sorry for the inconvenience! If urgent, please reach me in the ER at…”
Just took my girlfriend to the movies and now I’m $10,000 in debt.
When someone begins, “With all due respect,” stop them right there, because that is as good as the sentence gets for you.
Reasons I visit a TL:
1. You’re a genius
2. You’re far from a genius
3. I like you
4. I know you hate me and want you to know I know
A passenger is at the airport at 6AM in a pressed suit and said “good morning!”
Excuse me, sir, that is not the vibe here. The rest of us have agreed to be sullen and wear the closest thing to pajamas you can legally leave the house in.
Go back and try again.
Hubs: Hey, throw toilet paper down the stairs.
Me: Oh, I thought this was going to be a sweet text…
Hubs: Throw some butt wiping paper downstairs with your delicately soft, feminine hands, please my goddess.
In a war with my neighbor to see who can attract more hummingbirds. We need more wars like this.
It wasn’t until an old man yelled BINGO that Nana realized what a horrible mistake it was to bring her pit bull Bingo to the bingo hall…
“I’m gonna make you so happy, baby. And then I’m gonna make you real sad.”
– gas station nachos
I grew up in the 70s. If there was a bowl of fruit on the kitchen table it was made out of plastic and lead paint
My husband still talks about that one time he loaded the dishwasher correctly like it’s going to get our kids into Harvard.
When I say I’m “going through something” I usually mean a family size box of croissants
I didn’t even know Canada existed until Twitter.
Imagine if you could do crimes like a corporation. Like they find 20 kids in an underground dungeon in my house and I then pledge to reduce the amount of kids in the dungeon by 2030 and I’m praised for my efforts to get kid dungeons out of my industry
I hate to cancel plans, but in all honesty, when I made them earlier I was younger & full of hope.