If you want a medical degree, they’re literally hanging on doctor’s walls. Grab one.
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ME: Take care of my cat while I’m away?
HITMAN: [screwing on silencer] No problem.
Fact: it is impossible to hold a machete in a friendly manner.
Waking up with morning wood is one thing, but waking with Elijah Wood is just creepy.
I calmed down once I stared into his beautiful eyes.
Why yes, YouTube, I *did* want to watch part 5 when part 2 ended. How did you know?
I thought it was “it takes two to make a dingo ride”.
And then “it takes two to make it out of sight”….ON the dingo.
A thread of some SAVAGE/DEEPEST REPLIES in “Black Panther”
1.
I took my hair out of the messy bun and made it a less messy bun and my husband asked if I was going somewhere.
ME: we have a problem, karen invited us to a coldplay concert
HER: nice i love coldplay
ME: ok we have two problems
Son: We’re having chicken and rice for dinner?
Me: No. That’s for the dogs. Heat up some pizza rolls or something.
SNAIL: I’m a turtle?
GOD: No, you’re a snail
SNAIL: I have a shell
GOD: Yup
SNAIL: and I move really slowly
GOD: Yeah, all the time
SNAIL: but I’m not a turtle?
GOD (made too many turtle shells and needed somewhere to put them): you’re a completely different thing
WIFE: Did you take care of that thing I asked you to do?
ME: No.
WIFE: I’ve asked you at least 10 times.
ME: I’ll get it done this afternoon.
WIFE: You better.
ME (terrified): [has no idea what she asked me to do.]
Me: What do you want for breakfast?
4yo: Bagel
Me: *makes it
4yo: Tricked you! I wanted toast
Me: Nice trick. Now, eat your bagel
Stop telling me your newborns weight and length. I don’t know what to do with that information.
Girl, are you a glass of water because I think you’re about to throw yourself at me.
new year update: losing everything but weight
[tv interview]
I’m with Amy. Her house was damaged by the floods, how are you?
[cut to Amy crying]
MORE LIQUID IS THE LAST THING WE NEED AMY
Link: [plays ‘Song of Time’]
Zelda: No no that’s all wrong! There’s no E in that melody.
Link: [plays ‘Song of Tim’]
[spider party]
black widow: oh yeah looks like there are lots of edible bachelors here
Me: Yells at my kids to stop wasting water.
Also me: Washes same load of laundry three times.
My kid wants to be Batman so bad he bought us opera tickets in a bad neighborhood.
[after I cut a bagel] would you like the side that is somehow three times larger than the original bagel or the side that is the first object ever to have only two dimensions
There’s a subset of women with baskets of spray painted pinecones displayed in their home, and my mother is their king.
Rome wasn’t built in a day but it couldn’t have taken as long as the too slow car wash.
Patient: There’s blood everywhere. It was horrific.
911 Dispatcher: And you said the hypnotist did this?
Patient: I think so. I was asleep.
911: Any idea what set him off?
Patient: I dunno. He just snapped.
worst…sale…ever
8y/o: What’s sex?
ME: [slightly uncomfortable] Umm. Well, what it is, umm-
8y/o: [to friend] Told ya he wouldn’t know. Pay up
[meeting]
Assistant: ok, so here I have a cappuccino, an americano, a soy latte and one decaf with tears of innocent children
Demon in the back: I have the soy latte
That face-melting Nazi guy in ‘Raiders of the Lost Ark’ but it’s just my makeup the second I step outside in the summer.
I wish young people would stop idealising future dystopias and start enjoying the one they’re in.
[forest]
ME: Gotta be quiet if we’re gonna catch Bigfoot
FRIEND: We want Bigfoot not Bigear!
ME: Haha
BIGEAR: [sobs quietly in the distance]