Just took my 3 dogs to the vet, so the family will be feasting on ramen noodles, beans, and no name chips for the next few months. At least the dogs are taken care of.
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Scooby Doo was awesome because he would just shout his own name when things got exciting.
Aww my microbiome fancies some high quality fermented foods does it? A little kombucha perhaps? I don’t give a shit, I’m the megabiome, I do what I want. I’m having a fanta lemon. I’ll swallow coins
So when is too soon to ask your friend if you can borrow their baby to reenact The Lion King? One day old? Two?
[Outside court]
Reporter: How does it feel now you’ve cleared your name?
: Odd
somewhere, in an alternate universe
It’s not a good date unless it ends with you slowly walking off into the ocean like Godzilla.
[framing store]
SALESPERSON: how can I help you
ME: make it look like my wife did a murder
“How do you talk to an angel”
Me: I don’t know, Skype I guess?
“How do you hold her close to where you are”
Me: Aren’t most angels men?
Yoda: “You must unlearn what you have learned.”
Me: “Got it.”
*shits pants*
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
going over to my buddy’s house and opening all of his treasure chests to see if there’s any items in there that i need
Omg 🤣
I smoked a pack of cigarettes in 6 hrs, I don’t think your kale will save me.
Dear women, when you’re not around we load the dishwasher properly.
The guy with the worst grades should get to give a graduation speech too. Let me hear both sides
Either my 1 year old found the stash of markers or she head-butted a rainbow.
Today’s assignment:
Walk up to people with a manila envelope and ask them “Have you seen this person?” and pull out a picture of yourself
Hey Fun Fact:
Remember that “You Wouldn’t Steal A Car” anti-piracy ad? The guy who wrote the music for that ad was never paid for their work
This Fun Fact™ brought to you by:
Stealing — It’s Okay If You’re A Corporation!
I laughed at my husband when he asked me why the kids were off of school for Valentine’s Day. This is Texas son, they’re off because it follows the day after the Super Bowl.
If they ban straws, that means I can no longer flirtatiously blow the straw wrapper at my date and that is literally my only move.
4yo: can you get this open for me?
Me: oomph this is kinda tough
4yo: use your claws
Underwear isn’t protecting you from your pants. It’s protecting your pants from YOU! Another conspiracy uncovered.
I hate it when I’m in a rage and suddenly remember I’m not wealthy so I can’t hurl expensive bone china into the fireplace.
I would rather see my husband with another woman in his arms than a hammer in his hand.
My sleeping pills say don’t mix with alcohol, but drop it in the glass and it dissolves just fine. Doctors think they know everything.
“Just circling back on this.”
“Take another lap.”
A funny thing to do when someone’s dog barks at you is say, “I don’t speak dog,” and then when they leave the room, speak dog fluently.
It’s 1:28 AM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed there’s a rustle as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a Snickers bar.
Imagine a world without pizza.
No, no, stop crying this was just pretend I’M SORRY TRY AND CONTROL YOURSELF I’M SORRY