If you want me to save a horse and ride a cowboy, you better spare a tree and eat a beaver.
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The paper defeats rock explanation that the paper will wrap around the rock has always been lame. The rock is just as dangerous with paper wrapped around it; it is not defeated.
“For I am Christ the Redeemer, He Who Saves!”- Jesus, using his coupons.
Wife: Rock the baby.
Me: *plugs in amp*
2000: I don’t want no scrubs
2020: I’m actually gonna need all those scrubs.
*65 million years ago*
T-Rex dad: If you don’t finish your food, an asteroid will come and blow us up!
T-Rex child: You ALWAYS say that shit!
Dad: DON’T USE THAT LANGUAGE! Or else an ast-
*Asteroid streaks across the sky*
Both: Shit.
[hearing news of an apocalyptic asteroid] best put the car in the garage
* Wins lottery
* Blows it all on a pack of decent razor blades
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
If practice makes perfect, why in the hell are we all so shit at sleeping as adults!
Dog kids: ughhh, homework for dinner again?
Dog mom: I had to wait outside his bedroom for three hours for him to fall asleep so I could steal this, you ungrateful little shits.
My calendar says I have 18 meetings left this week. Time to go lick Maria in accounting; she’s coming down with flu.
Economists trying to explain how inflation is real
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
“Oh boy, what a day of having sex with real women,” I yell too loud while passing my microwave.
I would not hook up with the grinch but i would feel good if i found that he wanted hook up with me
You gotta feel for kids today, growing up in a world where all the good screen names are already taken
Today Mother phoned asked me what I was doing . I said I was on Google maps and looking at her house .She asked if I could see her waving .
My 11-year-old is talking about what she wants her future house to look like and I’m pretty sure she is describing a zoo.
Why would anyone become an architect when everything you do gets destroyed in an X-Men movie?
How much credibility is there in that whole “you can punch yourself handsome” theory?
Asking for a friend.
My 2yo likes to “play bedroom” where she has me go lie down on my bed and then she closes the bedroom door and runs away. Actually one of the better games she’s come up with.
I love how Men’s bathing suits sometimes have that tiny pocket where you can hold two quarters, just in case you’re paying to get on the Ferris Wheel in 1922
[At the first thanksgiving]
Pilgrims: Im thankful for the land you gave us
Natives: we didnt give you land?
Pilgrims: *winks at the camera*
Everyone hates their job until someone brings cupcakes in.
I like to shit with the door open, because it keeps other people from getting onto the elevator with me.
if there were more women in lord of the rings it wouldn’t have taken 3 movies to get to mount doom just saying.
God: And they will have relationships full of love, commitment, and passion
Angel: Sounds perfect
God: Lol, they have to pick two of three
I had a race with a smart car today.
I was winning at first but my God there’s so much I can walk.
I saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus.
Then I saw her arguing with him about money.
Now I see Santa drinking by himself.
5 years ago when ‘House of Cards’ started we said, ‘That’s so scary.’ Now Trump is here and we’re like, ‘hahaha, House of Cards is adorable’