If you want some alone time, tell your husband that you’re going to watch the Bachelor. Even if you’re not.
You Might Also Like
[Wife finds me crying on kitchen floor]
Me: I fell & spilled honey on myself.
Wife:
Me: Will you ki
Wife: I’m not kissing your Honey Boo Boo
Things that are loud:
Jet engines
Dynamite
Opening a bag of Sun Chips at a funeral
Rock concerts
If you try something new and you aren’t immediately awesome at it, say it’s stupid and never try it again.
High School Reunions are bullshit. Why would I pay money to see people I’ve been deliberately avoiding for the past 20 years
[Zoom Meeting]
Boss: Please take your mask off we can barely hear you.
Me, *Hasn’t shaved in three days because of masks*: I’ll talk louder.
My 6-year-old wouldn’t stop playing “the floor is lava” so I put a pair of socks on him and told them they were lava-proof, and now he’s mad because I’m the one “making things up”.
wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i speak so quietly?
wife: well you could at least say something
[throws grenade into enemy trench]
Me: shit, give that back. That was an avocado
Every time I talk to a fancy journalist and they ask what I do in my free time my scumbag brain goes “say masturbate, it’ll be hilarious”
Apparently “naked” is not the answer when someone mad at you asked, how do you sleep at night?
[filming lord of the rings: fellowship]
peter jackson: great scene
sean bean: thanks but it’s pronounced “shawn”
ME: *robbing bank* More like, I’m BANKing on you not tripping the alarm! Haha!
TELLER: Haha!
COPS: *tackling me from behind* Haha!
I’m gonna scream “AVENGE ME!!!” and then just die of natural causes
wish me luck lads
Are they Milk Duds? Cuz I’m definitely not getting in your van for some stupid Milk Duds.
Unless you and your family were attacked by Bigfoot, then no, I don’t want to see your camping pictures.
My daughter woke up at 5, because of crows outside. She stuck her head outside the window and said ‘Mum, the bird witches are calling me’ and to sum up I have my next book and also I need to call a priest
*Computer crashes, I reboot it*
Computer: Windows was not shut down properly.
Me: Don’t put this on me, man.
HIM: *touching a scar on her hand* What’s this one?
HER: *giggling* I burnt myself getting pizza rolls out of the oven
HIM: *touching a scar on her arm* And this one?
HER: pizza rolls
HIM: What about—
HER: I dunno what to tell you, bud. They’re all gonna be pizza rolls.
I’ve saved $7982 in movie theater popcorn by switching to Covid
There’s a fine line between myth and reality and booze blurs it nicely.
[really awkward birthday party]
FIRST EVER PERSON TO SING HAPPY BIRTHDAY: [takes deep breath]
🤣🤣
dentist: how much mtn dew have you been drinking?
me: i don’t know why
dentist: because your teeth are snowboarding ok that’s why
Some people see the glass as half empty.
I see it as the reason I have to pee.
sorry, standing outside your house with a sign that says “prom?” was probably a confusing way to ask u what prom means
(Face painter at kid’s birthday party): …and what shall I paint on your face?
Me: Enthusiasm.
Star Wars, but every character is Owen Wilson
duck: quack?
me:
duck: quack?
me: no
duck: …quistal meth?
I have an extreme shellfish allergy so I always keep a single fried shrimp in my wallet in case I need to use it as a cyanide pill