“If you want something badly enough you’ll never give up.”
-psychopaths
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Just a reminder, folks:
First day of packing for a move: *dresses each Barbie before putting them in a box*
Second day of packing for a move: *dumps entire contents of desk drawer into Target bag and ties it up with USB cord*
HOW MANY ANTS HAVE YOU HAD TONIGHT, SIR?
Priest: and do you, Lil’ Jon, take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?
Lil’ Jon: WHAT
Priest: you say “I do”
Lil’ Jon: OKAY
Priest: I do
Lil’ Jon: OKAY
Priest: I DO
Lil’ Jon: YEAH!
I self medicate, therefore you live.
😂😂😂😂😂😂
HER: i like a guy who will hold a door for a lady
ME [trying to impress her]: *cuddles my jim morrison body pillow*
vacation is not enough i need to run my brain through a car wash
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i mend relationships
professor boyfriend: oh wow
Me: can I check my account balance?
Sperm bank employee: it doesn’t work like that
Man: Is there a doctor in the house?
Dr: I have a PHD in literature
Man: This man is having a heart attack!
Dr: Thou know’st ’tis common; all that lives must die…
I sleep with my clothes on and one eye open. Not because I’m scared, but my zipper is broken and I’ve had too much botox on one side.
It’s as though the guy beside me in traffic earlier had never seen a woman take her bra off without removing her shirt before
I just want someone to look at me the way my dog looks at a dishwasher full of dirty dishes.
Me: I saw Elvis Presley last night.
Her: I’m sure it was an impersonator.
Me: No *hiding shovel* It was definitely him.
“How do you normally handle criticism about your sarcasm?”
Oh, suuuuuuper well, homie.
When I say “I’m going to bathroom brb”, my dogs hear “gather up, it’s showtime!”
That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
Bedtime:
Brush teeth
Put on pjs
Read
Turn off light
Put them back in bed
Put them back in bed
Threaten everything they love
Put them back
Fun bible fact: No records exist of Jesus’ life from age 12 to 30 because he was backpacking across Europe with his pet Pterodactyl
If I ever catch my kid vaping, I’m going to make him eat an entire fedora.
If you’re not happy single, you won’t be happy in a relationship. True happiness comes from watching a seagull shoplift snacks from a convenience store, not from another person.
After moving approximately 35 times in about as many years I’m here to tell you that you’ll keep the people who matter most. What you’ll miss are the restaurants.
Mom: Everyone has to learn to swim
Kid: Even Jesus?
Mom: Of course
Jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* Lying’s a sin, Brenda
“I wasn’t born yesterday.”
-hilarious talking baby
Do you prefer to travel by gravy train or gravy boat
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: let’s back up for a second
ME: what’s wrong
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: did you just call it dude diligence
me: Should I pack condoms?
wife*laughs*
me*driving*
wife*still laughing*
me*checks into the hotel*
wife*calls friend so they can both laugh*
tried to smoke some salmon but had a really hard time rolling it and i couldn’t really get it to light