If you want sparkling, sophisticated conversation, catch me early in the month, before I’ve used up my ten free New York Times articles.
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I’m sorry for the things I said about you when I was hungry.
My blood type is coffee.
So Nickelback is playing a flood relief concert for Alberta. Like those folks haven’t suffered enough.
Could reporters stop asking if political leaders “believe” in climate change and start asking if they understand it instead
“Are you sure?”
“I’m sure.”
“You’ve tried all of them on?”
“This one.”
My college roommate made a student film about a guy’s life falling apart from drugs. A neighbor saw the baking soda lines on the Frankenstein poster in my room. She whispered, “Is Jake ok? Now I know why he looks so strung out.” “It’s fine, he’s just an engineering student.”
interviewer: how did u hear about us
me: *sweating* w-with my ears
*slips seductively out of shorts*
You know what that means…
*sleeps soundly for 7 hours*
*drools a little*
It’s perfectly normal to shave your legs just from the top of your boots to the hem of your dress, right?
The important thing to remember is that nobody asked you.
Rules for rap battling Eminem:
1. Do not let Eminem go first.
2. Do not let Eminem go second.
[loud fighting downstairs]
Me: What’s this about?
10-year-old: Nothing.
Me: You have to be fighting over something.
10: We really don’t.
My kids love playing pretend. My 9yo pretends to be a dinosaur and my 13yo pretends she doesn’t know us.
Alexa give me one million dollars I know you have it
Her: why are you covered in egg
Me: I got into a fight
Her: did you win?
Me: yes It was over, easy
Haunted Houses should be open year round. Some of us want to get chased with a chainsaw in January.
The answer, my friend, is actually blowing in the wind plus 23.
If you are being chase by a serial killer, you both are running for your life
“An apple a day keeps the doctor away” even works on PhDs if you have a decent fastball
#inspiration #foodforthought
Gotta be tough for the guy somewhere who has to say “yeah, she left me for Charles Manson.”
PSA: Tipsy driving is drunk driving.
I’m starving and all I have is a refrigerator full of health food. I hate who I was four days ago.
My superpower is turning food and drink into larger pants.
November is the Sunday of months. no I will not explain
The problem with the world today is that intelligent people are too smart to have children.
Just purchased one of those wigs that lawyers in England wear to put on when I have an argument with my wife.
contractor: [looking at a water leak in my office] ok so it’s just a simple fix. you could do it yourself if you wanted to
me: yea i don’t
Women love to say “sexy AF”
or “hot AF” on Twitter ….If I’d known being in the Air Force
was that hot…I’d have stayed in !
At least men & women can agree on one thing: it feels AMAZING to take a bra off