If you want to become a beatboxing champion, try zipping up a tight dress.
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Cricket: what am I?
God: a bug
Cricket: *flutters wings* do I fly?
God: you sorta jump big
Cricket: *sees bird* is that a bug?
God: nah buddy that’s a bird
Bird: *chirps*
Cricket: *chirps*
God: no stop that
My dog wakes me up at 5am every morning to go outside for a shit, which is great because otherwise I’d probably do it in the bed.
I’ve never made eggplant before. Is it better fried or scrambled?
A lot of people don’t realize that Donald Glover and Childish Gambino are actually Hannah Montana
Dr: you have pneumonia
Hillary: what’s pneumonia
Me: *fighting off secret service* not much monia what’s pneu with you
This white lady just whispered to her husband “there’s so many Asian people”… ma’m this is a flight to Japan
But why do gorillas even need so many adhesive products?
The guy who spelled pneumonia pknew pnothing
Sorry my emotional support panther ate your emotional support peacock.
I keep overhearing people complaining about eavesdroppers.
Dad used to remind us kids to check for copperheads hidden in the woodpile. Of less concern was giving an ax to a 10-year-old.
Beer enthusiasts should have an OnlyCans.
Never trust a fireworks dealer that has all 10 fingers
*Frantically checks the time*
OMG I THINK I’M LATE oh wait that was yesterday
I’m such a disaster that 9/11 and The Titanic would go out on a date together and watch a movie about me.
For most people when you lose your “khakis” you’ve lost your pants.
When you’re from Boston & lose your “khakis” you can’t start your car.
for my next trick i will fall asleep 15 minutes into the movie i begged us to watch
If I was on death row I’d request my own heart as my last meal. But they wouldn’t be able to extract it til they killed me: Catch 22. I walk
The Mrs: Why haven’t you done laundry?
Me: I’m recycling the clothes
The Mrs: You already used that line
Me: I’m also recycling my excuses
Me: [returning organic fertilizer] I don’t need this shit.
The only thing I know ab AI is it desperately wants us to have more fingers
Fun fact, the American alligator (Alligator mississippiensis) has enough bones in its body to make up an entire alligator skeleton.
Welcome to middle age. You now do sock, shoe, sock, shoe to be more efficient when bending over.
*picking up coins off the dance floor*
I knew I should have emptied my fanny pack before twerking.
My phone told me my screen time was up 82% last week and honestly nobody asked you
People that are stoned shouldn’t throw glass houses.
The first Roman soldier to be paid in salt: “Seems legit”
I sexually identify as an avocado.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Oh yes tonight is the nigh-
Too late, I’m over it.
Step 1:Establish a medical history of “sleep walking”
Step 2. Murder your neighbor who mows their lawn at 6am
Step 3: Return to bed
“Daddy?”
“Yes?”
“What are you doing?”
“Writing a fictional conversation so I can post it on Twitter.”