If you want to catch a bus you have to *think* like a bus.
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people will criticize your dreams. “you can’t marry the moon.” “being sad is not a real job.” “stop summoning the devil.” ignore them. be real. be yourself. start a cult.
This is a wedding toast I made up you can use if you want:
Some say you aren’t good enough for him. Some say you aren’t good enough for her. I say you’re good enough for each other.
The best way to get your kid to play with 800 toys at once is to tell then you’re going to donate them to charity.
My nephew’s inability to get his life started is so frustrating. Get a job, learn a skill, get a hobby or just do SOMETHING. But my family keeps justifying his behavior because “he’s only three.”
Little know fact but Michael Phelps was conceived anally. He’s just that good of a swimmer.
Don’t sweat the small stuff. Don’t sweat the medium or large stuff either. Stop perspiring on everything. Take your sweaty ass elsewhere.
Knuckle tats:
(I)(M)(H)(U)(N)(G)(R)(Y)
I’m into all kinds of spirits: the paranormal kind and the drinking kind.
Me: [2013] I don’t trust anyone I meet online
Me: [2018] last night I met someone on Twitter and we’re moving in together to become paranormal investigators
I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one today.
Anyway. Monkey for sale.
Google maps is like, “in 8.4 miles, stay on the road you’re on.”
FBI: I can’t unlock my phone
Genius: is that a fake mustache over your mustache?
FBI into earpiece: Operation Twostache has been compromised
Every chair is a reclining chair when you’re drunk.
I got myself a wrap on my way home at 2am & a girl outside stopped me and said “my boyfriend’s stormed off. do you want his chips?” and she gave them to me and got in her uber alone and sped away into the night. i miss her.
[Couples counseling]
“It’s not good to keep these things bottles up, you know”
Okay, fine
*opens jar of wasps*
“If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, getting up will surely blow it. If you’re happy and you know it, STAY IN BED!”
deleting my dating apps and meeting people the old fashion way (3+ years of a sexually tense friendship that devolves into weird cat and mouse games until one of us has to start seeing a psychiatrist)
cat owners be like don’t worry he only scratches if you pet him or feed him or call him or touch him or make noise or walk past him or
SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow.
ME: *paying bills online* I’d wait
friend: can i tell you something
me: give me the double vhs titanic version sis
dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a carburetor?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patri- oh
temp agency: we only have positions for nights available right now
a dragon: i see
Him: Why is there an antenna sticking out of your hair?
Me, definitely not an alien: Why are you humans so suspicious of everything?
i think both sides are to blame here
mom: how was the ballgame
me: they showed sex on tv
mom: what?
dad: he means the kiss cam
me: haha no *crossing out line in notebook* that’s for sure different than sex and I knew that
Oh really?! Because I see nothing in the gym membership rules that says I CAN’T just lie on the floor and watch tv all day!!
Scream movies would never happen in this day and age because every time the killer would call we’d just let it go to voicemail.
Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.
Me: *climbing down* The best revenge is living in a well.
Friend: That’s not the saying!
Me: *shouting up* You’ll all be sorry!
6:32 a.m.
Me: Good morn—
6: I’m dizzy, nauseous, and dehydrated