If you ever hire workmen for anything, it’s CRITICAL you sniff their armpits at the end of the day to make sure you got your money’s worth.
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I always carry a knife with me in case my mugger is made of cake.
“You see those footprints? It looks like our killer had feet.”
– If you want to know why I was fired as a writer on CSI.
There’s an alternate universe where we are together and finally happy.
And I probably forgot to take out the trash there, too.
What’s the name of that movie with that actor in which the guy does that thing with that other thing in that place during that time?
*Movie’s 10 second sex scene begins
My dad who’s been missing for 12 years: hey whatcha watchin’
[Space]
No-one: I can hear screaming
This quarantine is making it hard to ignore calls from people I don’t want to talk to. It’s not like I can say “Sorry mom I was at the movies.”
“Human sacrifice was a bloody and barbaric tradition – but could stopping it altogether be why the rains aren’t coming?” – bronze age opinion columnist
Women shouldn’t work outside the home. It’s STEVE Jobs, not EVE Jobs.
FRIEND WHO JUST RECEIVED MAGICAL POWERS: idk what I should do first
FRIEND WHO IS TRAPPED IN AN OIL PAINTING FOR SOME REASON: I have an idea
me: babe come quick
wife: what?
me: just hurry
wife: no, it’s always something dumb
me: not this time
*wife walks into living room*
me: i put the dog in a suit
wife: i want a divorce
me: k but my lawyer’s a ruff negotiator
[campfire]
ME: They say these trees are over 200 years old. Man, if trees could talk…
TREE: Please stop burning my flesh to cook hot dogs.
my 18-month old nieces may have gotten a shitton of candy for valentine’s day, but I got something better (a shitton of candy that I have the thumb-strength to open myself, without asking my mom)
Whenever I hear “let me tell you the truth”, I secretly cross my fingers, hoping they say “brownies are healthy, eat as many as you want.”
Stop blaming lazy people!
They didn’t do anything
So me and my demons are gonna have a few bloody mary’s and see where the day takes us. Would you and your demons like to tag along?
*dresses like a kitty*
*climbs tree*
*waits for new fireman husband to come rescue me*
Tried to impress 9 by making up sentences containing 3 of her vocabulary words at once, so now she knows what “nerd” means.
I don’t always drink tequila but when I do, where the hell are my clothes?
[awkwardly waving to another killer as we dump bodies in the same forest]
the compUtah Maineframe has crashed and Idaho how to fix it. Alaska round to find out Hawaii it happened. Are Delaware of the situation?
Me: *holding a devil’s food cake*
Satan:
Me:
Satan: Give it back…
if u hear ur roommate using ur beard trimmer in the bathroom but they come out and look exactly the same u should buy a new beard trimmer
Mobster: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Lobster: that’s not the threat you think it is, Tony
[in bed]
gf: I thought we could experiment with toys
me: fine, but not my buzz lightyear
When I was young, air at the gas station was free. Now they charge $1.50. That’s inflation for you.
My 6yo asks me the most random questions. Today he asked “who do you think is the most rememberalist in our family?” I’m not even the most understanderalist at the moment, but I’m definitely the most confusededist.
I asked my doctor if this heavily advertised, extremely ineffective medicine with many frightening side effects might be right for me.
Me: Do you have any books on paranoia?
Librarian : They’re right behind you.
my gf opening a package: i need something sharp
me: okay 🙂
her: if u hand me cheddar again i will leave u
me: okay 🙁