Google assistant rules
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hubs: why the makeup?
me: we’re cooking dinner together.
him: and…
me: and, I want to look nice when the police arrive.
Kid: Mom! We’re out of snacks!
Me: Sucks for you…
Kid: What?
Me: Ok I’ll get more when I run to the store sweetie!
Every husband sings this song 😂🤣😂 🤣😂🤣
The ending is priceless 😆😆😆
Video Credit: Jason Chen Music
Basketball games are very squeaky.
Burning bridges was a lot easier when 7 out of 10 people had lighters in their pockets.
*6 holding a 5 hour energy*
“Look at this teeny juice! It didn’t taste good at first but I finished it!”
Go ahead, have kids.
Me: *buys a bra*
The internet: you like BRAS? perhaps you like ONLY BRAS?? Do you need 10,000 BRAS? Do you need to see a new bra every .5 SECONDS?? HERE ARE ALL THE BRAS FOREVER!! YOU WILL NEVER SEE YOUR FAMILY’S POSTS AGAIN ONLY BRAS!
HR: Once again – “Judy from the Internet said so” isn’t a valid excuse….
Me: But…
[wakes up from coma I went into in 1908] so how many more World Series titles have the Cubs won?
this atm and my therapist need to get together and pick a lane
Firefighter: We have reports of a large fire??
Starbucks employee:
Firefighter: *audible sigh* Can you direct me to the VENTI fire?
One cake enters. No cake leaves.
Took the kids cherry picking yesterday. 2 refused to participate and spent the whole time playing in the dirt.
Today we’re at the children museum, so of course the only thing 2 wants to do is pick fake fruit off a fake tree.
Who’s drunk
*raises leg
*raises visor on knight helmet* Define “silly purchases,” Cheryl
Hell hath no fury like a woman who ALREADY TOLD YOU WHERE THE SCISSORS ARE
In honor of the winter solstice I will also be cold, distant & filled with darkness.
*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*
I think the saying “every man for himself” was made up by women tired of making sandwiches
BABY WARDEN: ok lights out
BABY INMATES: but we’re scared of the dark
[pitch black]
BABY WARDEN: oh shit lights back on! lights back on!
Calm down shouty museum man. I think it’s pretty obvious that I know how to ride a dinosaur skeleton.
When I was a kid I thought 40 was really really old and now I’ve discovered I was right.
If she’s playing Wheel of Fortune, and has “_ONAL_ _UCK” left to win $8500, then she wants the D
Nicholas Cage was only good in FaceOff because he was played by John Travolta.
single because i didn’t forward that chain mail in 2008
This afternoon a crew of men were installing Christmas lights on a house down the street. The next thing I hear is a boy yelling, “It’s not Decemberrrrrr!!”
That’s how I knew my son was home from school.
Moving is a lot more fun when you make the Movers carry you on top of the mattress like an Egyptian pharaoh
My favorite part of riding an elevator is staring at my phone while avoiding eye contact with the person I just tried to close the doors on.
I don’t understand how planes work and I’m scared if I think about it too hard the plane will also realise it doesn’t make sense and drop out of the sky 🙁
I love it when I’m cooking a meal and half way through I realise I don’t have all the ingredients so I improvise by eating a cake instead.