@j0eg0d: If you want to drink and drive you better bring enough for the whole highway.
@amandamull: Adulthood is just constantly trying to get rid of a faint headache
@KevinFarzad: Every political Facebook status should start with, "First of all, I have no idea what I'm talking about."
@haleysfalling: i've dated so many tools i could open a home depot
@Book_Krazy: [Pours goldfish into aquarium]
You're free now
"Mom? You know those are just crackers, right?"
@CroweJam: Told her I'd rather eat laundry than fold it and now I'm having boxers for breakfast.