Her: You wanna Netflix and chill?
Me: I don’t have Netflix
Her: It means sex
Me: Oh right no I don’t have that either
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Girlfriend: *twirls hair* so tell me what you like about me the most
Me: probably your willingness to date me
8YR OLD: dad, why do spiders not stick to their own webs?
ME: [remembering I asked the same question when I was smoking pot at a party in college] are…are you high right now?
If I ever get burned at the stake, I’m filling my pockets with popcorn kernels to make a nice snack for the audience.
Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: yeah I spent ages on it then Word did that thing where all the paragraphs go weird
Interviewer: I mean where you didn’t work for 6 months
Me: well I had to recover from the Word thing
[first date]
HER: So, do you have a 5 year plan?
ME: Yes. Well, the beginnings of one.
HER: How far have you gotten?
ME: I’ve decided what I want for dinner.
I’m writing a book about how to come up with imaginative titles called “How to come up with imaginative titles – a book’.
Me: God grant me the serenity.
God: What was that? I couldn’t hear you over your screaming kids.
You can say “Holy shit” in the waiting room of any a plastic surgeon.
But I don’t suggest you point.
Pilot, to passengers: Bit of a…uhhhh…problem on the flight deck…ahhhh…anyone know how much the average woodchuck might be able to…uhhhh…chuck?
Guy who loves tongue twisters: *whispering* It’s my time…
If I could be a superhero, I’d be Aluminum Man. My superpower would be foiling crime.
Job Counselor: now that you’ve flunked dental school, what’s your plan?
Tooth Fairy: *shrugs* idk, buy em I guess
I’m on a roof fixing gutters. If I was on roofies, I’d be in a gutter. HAHAHAH I’M SO FUNNY!
How many times is too many times to say ” oh boy ” during sex?
Fit Bit: ‘Keep going!’
Recliner: ‘Trust your feelings.’
“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up
Friend: Just be generous and sophisticated
Me: Got it[Later]
Date: I’ll have a glass of wine
Me: No *winks at date and then looks at waiter* bring the whole box
I don’t trust the so-called “mainstream media.” I get news from ouija boards and an angry owl living in the woods on the outskirts of town.
I’ve found that nowadays most people don’t like holding hands in public.
Especially if you don’t know them.
It’s an honour @thefunnytweeter – – thank you.
Our youngest’s throat is so sore that she can’t talk, so we’re having her breathe on all the other kids.
she is beauty, she is grace
she crams french fries in her face
Wife: Could you be dehydrated?
Me: Of course not.
W: How much water have you had?
Me: Two coffees & a bourbon.
W: Wow.
Me: Told you.
I got a letter from a bill collector saying this is the last time they will attempt to contact me, so this problem really solved itself
Nice Confederate flag bro, way to commemorate coming in second place in a civil war.
Ahhh December 1st. Time to start using Santa as a threat.
1st date: get whatever you want
2nd date: these desserts are expensive
3rd date: let’s split an appetizer
4th date: waiter, I have a coupon
interviewer: “so what makes you think you’d be good at checking tickets at our cinema?”
me: [picks up my résumé and rips it a little bit]
On the list of things I fear the most, “death” comes in as a close second to “audience participation”
My daughter hates bread crust so today I put a little extra effort in my sandwich making and I cut off the crust for her because I love her. She’s so sweet and showed her gratitude by eating around her sandwich like it had a crust. I just can’t win at this game.
You can just make up words and if you say them in a Scottish accent, people will think they’re real:
Looka the wee janglers on that tary bibbit.