If you want to get someone out of your office, just pull two tampons out of your purse and start air drumming.
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My son’s name is Miller if you were wondering if I like beer.
“Oh, I get it!”
– Me, when I didn’t get it.
Two little monkeys
Jumping on the bed
One fell off and
Bumped his head EXACTLY HOW THEIR MOM SAID SOMEONE WOULD BUT NO ONE LISTENS TO HER.
Haters gonna hate. And hater stabbers gonna hater stab.
*hits bong*
*abuses bong*
*bong calls bong protection agency*
*bong custody taken*
*bong put in foster home*
*bong misses old life*
If someone asks us why we didn’t have kids I ask them how many people they’ve had sex with, and when the awkward silence hits it’s peak I’ll ask if I’m playing the none of your business game correctly.
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.
If I get arrested & the cops give me one phone call I’m dialing Empire Carpets or Jenny because those are the only numbers I have memorized.
3: Dadda where’s my Paw Patrol costume?
Me: What? I don’t know
3: Dadda get up, go find it
Me: …..
3: …..
Me: Oh I see, you want ME to do the work for you?
3: YEAH! I want you to do da work!
Absolutely batshit that they had one Irish character in Harry Potter and they just went with Seamus Finnegan. Like calling an American character Huckleberry McRib.
I get it, Kevin McCallister. I, too, sometimes wish my family would disappear and leave me home alone with my own cheese pizza.
Me: *takes her shirt off & sees a padded bra* whoa
Her: I’m so sorry, are you upset?
M: *pulls a salami out of my shorts* let’s call it even
Colonel Sanders started KFC when he was 65 years old. Which just goes to show… You’re never too old to cook chicken
Apparently I have been on Twitter 13 years as of today and I really have to ask myself what the hell I am thinking
imagine earning a science degree then having to be a meteorologist who announces the prophecy of a groundhog
Opening twitter feels like visiting a recently abandoned house – you can still see how things have been but every now and then a picture falls from the wall and no one bothers to look what’s causing the weird smell in the kitchen
I can tell Spring is almost here because I’m on the verge of wanting to kill myself but I’d also like to plant some bulbs.
Try that* in a small town.
*not joining a pyramid scheme run by an ex cheerleader.
Cats always look like they have been on the phone with customer service for 3.5 hours and god dammit don’t you dare transfer me to another department Sharon
me: tries to sleep.
clock: i think i’m going to karaoke in Morse code now.
People complain when my baby is crying and then they complain when I stuff her in the overhead bin, MAKE UP YOUR GD MINDS
Waiting for Bernie Sanders to come out from under the ring and hitting someone with a steel chair to claim the presidential belt.
When an employer says they’re offering competitive salary I assume we’re all gonna assemble in the breakroom for medieval combat.
I pray every night that I never become religious…
my new hobby
creating totally reasonable units that somehow upset people
– kiloLiters
– megameters
– milliinches
I work hard so that the possum that lives in my garage can have a better childhood than I did
[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were hereDomino’s : we said 30 min or less
Used a Ouija board as a charcuterie plate and now three people who ate the Brie are dead.
My sister let me borrow her newborn baby so I could meet girls at the mall.
Worked great!
Also, If you’ve found my nephew Jake, lemme know
excusing myself in the middle of a date to go to the bathroom and baby-wipe down my whole body. to keep it weird.