I’m only watching the royal wedding for the bishop. I’ve always wanted to see a person who only moves diagonally.
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Pretty rude of Instagram to put a bunch of ads for shapewear in my feed dominated by food porn… I mean, they’re not wrong, but it’s still rude
Me: I’m so happy that gyms have reopened. I’ll do whatever it takes to get in back in shape
Trainer: That’s great! Let’s start with…
Me: Snacks?
Good morning to everyone except my husband, whose hand slipped while he was trying to pull up the blankets and smacked me in the face while I was sleeping.
The prize for getting up early is to eat a worm? Birds are idiots
[me, in a sting operation]
Can I buy your best stuff?
DRUG DEALER: what do u mean by stuff?
*talking into my shirt* what do I mean by stuff?
Hypnotist: Look deep into my eyes
Optometrist: I am please stop talking
True embarrassment lies within your first email address
I’m working out again in hopes that I can wear my superhero shirt in public without someone saying, “Batman really let himself go”.
Naming my daughter “A Relationship” so I don’t have to worry about punks wanting to be in her.
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
My PS5 died, I guess I need to make friends now.
Hot tip for dog owners:
Be on the lookout for “whale eyes.” If your dog has whale eyes, this is BAD SIGN. That is not your dog, it is a whale pretending to be your dog and you are in IMMEDIATE DANGER
i never would have bought this abandoned lighthouse if i knew that the city wouldn’t let me drop watermelons from the top
my son referred to me as “the 6 dwarfs” because I’m “everything except happy,” and honestly I’m not even mad, that was amazing
This selfie angle isn’t to make me look thin, it’s so you can check me for lice
me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together
veggies in my fridge:
Ever read something so magnificently stupid that you have to just stare into space for a little while and reconcile with your brain for having been subjected to it.
[commercial for string cheese] do you like cheese?
me: YES
“do you like string?”
me: yes?
If I ever meet Morgan Freeman:
Wanna just come back to my place and sit at the end of my bed and tell me a bedtime story?
Please. nobody has to know.
*son wants to go to water park*
*bring him to water park*
*starts raining*
*he starts crying..because he’s getting wet*this is why I drink
I’m at the point in my life where my favorite Mexican restaurant is based solely on how big the margaritas are.
In the movies, when the bad guy takes someone out to forest at gunpoint and tells them to dig, WHY do all the victims-to-be dig?
I say let ‘em shoot you, and they can dig the damn hole themselves.
Thanks for explaining my tweet to me I was wondering what I meant
[commercial for evaporated milk]
IS YOUR MILK TOO WET?
The strangers on this cruise are getting really sick of me eavesdropping and interrupting with “I’m in the same boat.”
The tornado siren was just going off here, but I think I can make it to the liquor store.
[Alien vs Predator]
Alien: I can eat your face off
Predator: I’m not allowed within 100 feet of a school
Seize the day! by its legs and lock it in chains. Hold a mock trial, find the day guilty. Behead the day. Bury the day in a nameless grave.
“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself