If you want to have fun with your kids, tell them the teacher called, then ask if there is something they need to tell you.
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I hate it when I change my profile status to single and the wife changes it back to married
[creation]
GOD: So how do you like the flying?
PENGUIN: Meh it’s no big deal
GOD: Oh is that right
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid😭😂
We can put a man on the moon but we can’t find a good way to drink wine from a lying down position.
Breaking news:
Pro tip:
Singing “Into the great wide open” is never ok during sex
“Why do old people keep getting scammed by phone calls?” wonders a generation that just sent a headshot and access to the data stored on their iPhones to a company they’ve never heard of before
Genie: ok, this is your last wish
Me: Could you speak up a bit?
Genie: YOU IDIOT!
November should have one more day. just because to me November 31st sounds real. and also I don’t want to pay rent tomorrow
Looking good, Kim! #LNSM
Cops: Ma’am, put down the knife
Me: It’s murder monday
Cops: That’s not a real thing and also it’s Tuesday
Shoutout to my upstairs neighbours for finding a loophole in the ‘no elephants’ clause in their lease
When I break something I just stay quiet until my husband blames one of the kids.
God [returning from 200 year vacation] who touched the thermostat?
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
[Being kidnapped]
Me: i can feel it.. Stockholm syndrome
kidnapper: its been 10 minutes
me: should we invite your brother to the wedding?
4-year-old: Can I have some water?
Me: Any more water & you could have an accident while sleeping.
4: Ok, then some juice should be fine.
I think my mom just blocked me
Him: I just got stung. I’m allergic. Grab me my EpiPen.
Me: Do you know how much those cost? Have a Benadryl.
I don’t get it. Rock beats scissors but no one says shit about running with them.
It’s not illegal to get in a taxi and scream until you’ve reached your destination.
Me: [Has only ever touched a gun once in my life]
Me every time I’m at the airport: oh no what if I accidentally packed a gun
Me with a pronounced limp: *walks awkwardly
Me with a mispronounced limp: “Blimp.”
closure is a myth invented by big yearning to sell more sad
GOOGLE USER: What are symptoms of skin cancer
GOOGLE: 20% off best skin cancer now
Is Lent nearly over? I don’t know how much longer I can hold my breath.
me: =)
dentist: we have to remove some teeth
me: =;
Cat: flake of pill in two pounds of fresh tuna? Refused.
Dog: pill the size of a grill wrapped in american cheese? No problem.
*Squatting over cat litter box*
Husband: What the fu-
Me: THERE’S A SPIDER IN THE BATHROOM
*needs a hug
*taps car brakes a little too hard so the seatbelt locks upNice.