If you want to hear an elderly couple arguing for 2 hrs about whether they closed their garage door, go to a movie at 11AM on a weekday.
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*from his room
8: Hey, nothing went terribly wrong!
8’s friend: No, nothing happened!
8’s other friend: There’s just a little blood!
I’m not trying to seduce you, I’m just very bad at eating
I don’t believe in all your ghosts, crystals and astrology hocus-pocus unless I have a shot at you. In which case, I’m a Gemini and, my god, your aura is transcendent.
Waiter: How is everything?
Me: This is a salad
Waiter: Yes
Me: I ordered spaghetti
Waiter: Yeah. We are really worried about you, dude
If I tell you I can’t text you because I’m driving it’s only because I’m also eating.
I’m pretty like a car crash.
girlfriend asks you to get wine: You’re getting laid
wife asks you to get wine: You’re getting yelled at
I finally convinced Grandpa to watch Avengers with me.
Grandpa: Who’s that guy?
Me: Captain America.
Grandpa: Then the blonde must be Captain Hammer.
Me: No, that’s Thor.
Grandpa: …Thor? What, like from the Bible?
Me: Um… Yes?
Grandpa: I don’t like church movies.
Florist: “Would you like your flowers wrapped?”
Me: “Nope, they’re going right into the shredder before I give them to my sister-in-law.”
grandma: more potatoes?
me: sure
*3 hours later*
grandma: *wiping sweat from her brow* more potatoes?
me: *locking eyes* sure
When I find out you work in the medical profession, no matter the capacity, I will ask you to look at this rash. Just to annoy you
Kid: MOM WHERE ARE YOU
M: upstairs
K: WHERE?
M: upstairs
K: UPSTAIRS?
M: yes
K: UPSTAIRS OF THIS HOUSE?
M: what the? yes
K: ARE YOU UPSTAIRS
Sell your car
I forgot my glasses so I pointed to a random spot on the menu and now I’m hoping for the best
computer: choose new password
math teacher: algebra
computer: password must contain numbers
math teacher: algebraXY
The grease on the floor adds an element to Waffle House brawls that doesn’t exist anywhere else in the fight world and whatnot.
Just got back from seeing my naturopath and she suggested a treatment plan that involves improved diet and exercise.
The nerve of some health experts.
Oh kids, don’t worry, stories of ghosts and dragons and zombies are all just made up; nobody should actually believe that stuff.
Now go get your shoes on, we’re going to be late for church.
Parent’s curfew with each child:
1st child: “be home by 10!”
2nd child: “alright you can stay out until midnight”
3rd child: “as long as I see you within 3-5 business days I honestly don’t care what time you’re home”I’m not mad ur mad
Well hello, “Party-Size” bag of Doritos. Welcome to my party! There will be no other guests.
Bad news: pulled a muscle. Good news: implied presence of muscle …
British meanings of “you look well”
1. You look well
2. You looked particularly bad when we last met and you’ve improved since then
3. You look larger than last time
4. We both know you’re looking unwell but I’m trying to make you feel better about it
5. I can’t remember who…
John Hammond: *proudly* At Jurassic Park, we spare no expense
Me: So where’s all the security?
John Hammond: We had one guy but he got eaten so we’re on our own
Ocean’s Eleven? Ummmm I’m pretty sure it’s a little older than that. Who is this idiot?
Red light : Stop
Yellow light : Proceed w/ caution
Green light : Wait till everyone hates you then go
Honestly, silica gel must be absolutely delicious considering how much effort they put into convincing us not to eat it.
When you smile the whole world wonders what’s wrong with you.
Couldn’t remember the word ‘ostrich’ earlier so I called it a giraffe chicken.
I’m terrible at balloon animals but pretty decent with balloon amoeba
Remember folks, the camera adds ten pounds – unless you’re good at selfie angles like me, in which case it subtracts 30 *wink