[at the store]
Me: Your powers are weak, old man
Wife: …
Me: The force is strong with this one
Wife: …
Me: Together we can rule the galaxy
Wife: …
Me: Luuuuuuuke, I am your father
Wife: Can you just pick out a damn fan already?
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Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Me: ha nice try
I: excuse me?
M: that’s how Lex Luthor beat Superman. I’m not stupid.
If your wife asks “would you like the fan turned on?” the only correct answer is get up and turn the fan on.
Just once i’d like to see a chicken picking out a rotisserie person
They want us to stay current with our training, yet the training videos show people using BlackBerries.
My toxic trait is that if you see me naked, that girl from the ring murders you in 7 days
Thoughts and prayers for my 17 year old. Nothing’s wrong with her. She’s just mad that she has to put gas in her own car on a cold day.
RIP Medusa you would’ve hated selfies.
Ground control: He says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: What’s he done this time?
t-rex: aaargh I cant feel my legs
Then they came for the bins, and I did not speak out, because I was not a bin man, and they were, and that was their job.
[hiding my girlfriends Christmas present behind my back] remember how you said we were out of milk
I just ate 27 gummy vitamins. Come at me Covid.
7:00AM – I am NOT going to lose my shit & yell at the kids today.
7:15AM – Dammit.
I like to refer to what gravity has done to my body as the rise and fall of the Roman Empire.
Jesus: This is where I realized how heavy you are. This is where I tripped. And this is where I tried doing the macarena and dropped you.
Star Wars films are like my wives – we don’t talk about the first 3
hats off to all the restaurants who made it through the last 20 years of anti-carb propaganda and still serve free bread as an appetizer
For once I’d like to get kicked INTO a bar
I wonder if Houdini ever locked himself out of the house.
Me: “I mean, how can Harry Potter be the best Quidditch Seeker when he’s the only one with glasses?”
Librarian: “Just pay your fine, Ma’am.”
If Trump wins I’m moving to my last Sim City 2000 save file.
Sci-fi is when Benedict Cumberbatch looks like this and fantasy is when Benedict Cumberbatch looks like this
Not sure if the bulb for my check engine light finally burned itself out or if my car magically fixed itself, but I’m going with the latter
I was laughing at these nerds for wearing their backpack over two shoulders instead of one, and they got so mad they jumped out of the plane
me:
professor x: yes, i can read minds
me:
professor x: yes, i suppose the name alvin and the chimpmunks alludes to he himself not being one
they say plastic straws are ruining the ocean, so i’ve started throwing mine in the garbage instead
The coins in my cup holder have bonded together and will be the problem of whomever owns my vehicle next.
What I have learned from dating is that if he shows you affection, talks to you every day, and introduces you to his friends and family, he’s just not that into you
me: I just don’t think this relationship is healthy for either of us
bucket of fried chicken:
I grew up before google, and as a kid I didn’t know bread was slang for money. Spent my childhood wondering why they put bread in Billy Joel’s jar.