I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.
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I guess I prefer Subway because they make me feel like I’m making the healthy decision when I order a loaf of bread with 18 meatballs on it.
Some people wake up in the morning & are all like “omg I’m the luckiest person in the world” and I wake up all like “oh my god”
I have a very large selection of hand sanitizers
Me, flirting
gonna be sporting and give tim a five minute head start
If two creepy eels slither up to you and promise to solve all your problems and make your dreams come true, be skeptical. That’s all I’m saying.
Me: Rumplestiltskin is such an unrealistic fairy tale. Like anyone would really want a firstborn kid. They’re the worst.
12yo: I can hear you.
Furniture Salesman: This dining table is made of solid maple and can seat up to twelve people.
Me: (Dumps two loads of laundry on top.) I’ll take it.
My mind is like a sponge.
It spends most of its time in filthy places.
I’m not sad, I’m big moaned
The greatest Valentines Day indignity is buying yourself a bottle of prosecco to drink with your cat, and discovering that neither of you can open it.
[job interview]
BOSS: Describe yourself
ME: Can’t you see me?
You know who doesn’t sleep like a baby? Babies.
I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.
I hate it when I imagine how a conversation will go and then in the actual conversation the person goes off script. That’s not your line, Todd.
Sometimes I think I want a third kid, then I spend 45 minutes in a full pediatrician’s waiting room and my uterus tries to escape on it’s own.
All I’ve ever really wanted is a modest little home, nothing fancy. A usable kitchen, a yard for the dog, a sprawling bookcase-accessible secret Victorian library with a minimum of three rolling ladders and a kindly ghost librarian. I don’t ask for much.
Imagine how excruciating a conversation between Hodor, Groot, and Timmy from South Park would be.
Spice up your marriage by slamming doors sometimes when you’re not even angry.
I consider anything that doesn’t fit in the dishwasher to be for one time use.
Looking to hire someone who can photo edit my ex out of all of my vacation photos and replace him with a potato
Wife: Sleep tight, don’t let the bed bugs bite!
Me: Haha funny.
[under the mattress]
Bed Bug King: TONIGHT WE DINE IN HELL *tiny drums bang*
ME: How much to buy a singing ensemble?
PRODUCER: You mean a choir?
ME: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?
I switched from the cutting wheel to pizza scissors and it’s like I spent the first half of my life trying to shave with a banana.
If you want to know how old my daughter is it’s “won’t talk on the phone if I’m in the room” years old
Her: How do you do it w/ 4 kids?
Hubs: With the door locked.
Me: She means how do we manage…but yeah.
If being a role model involves anything before noon, I don’t want anything to do with that shit.
CPR refresher class. We’re told, “If they’re not breathing, there’s no way you can make it worse.” Woman then trips; kicks dummy’s head off.
I like that the doctor always asks if I’m a smoker. When I say yes, he tells me I should quit.
No shit? Thanks. Here’s all my money.
You do the load of laundry that you have, not the load of laundry that you want.
Lucy in the Sky with Some Splainin’ to Do.