@texasstalkermom: If you want to intimidate anyone with your screaming and honking, you may need to rethink those reindeer antlers on your car.
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@carrietini: According to maxipad commercials, all women are full of blue windshield washer fluid.
@TeaAndCopy: My wife always accuses me of having a favourite child. It's not true, I love Matthew and Not-Matthew equally.
@RandomAntics: Woman: Please send an ambulance, I'm having contradictions!! Operator: Ma'am, do you mean 'contractions'? Woman: Yes! No!
@dukelongboard: When I was 13 my dad gave me a bunch of socks n said "I heard u grunting in ur room last night, do it into these" So now I poop into socks