@texasstalkermom: If you want to intimidate anyone with your screaming and honking, you may need to rethink those reindeer antlers on your car.
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@BasicLyes: People wonder why I move to a new place every couple years. The truth is, I'm being chased by a snail with a grenade and a vendetta.
@DJTannerComedy: Anderson Cooper: "the Arizona wildfire is flaming out of control." Arizona Wildfire: "Wow, isn't that the pot calling the kettle black."
@moose_chocolate: My daughter asked me what it was like when I was a kid, so I took away all her electronics and made her play with a Rubik's cube.
@DurtMcHurtt: Whenever someone mentions rat poison part of me imagines a tiny rodent cover band playing 80s power ballads.