If you want to intimidate anyone with your screaming and honking, you may need to rethink those reindeer antlers on your car.
You Might Also Like
TMNT gave me unrealistic expectations of city sewer systems.
The retirement age needs to be lowered to 50. I’ve had enough!
What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Two Dough Nuts.
[Watching the sunrise with my girlfriend]
HER: Aw, this makes my day.
ME: It makes everyone’s day, Sharon.
“Speak softly and carry a big stick.” — Teddy Roosevelt
“Yell loudly and talk about the size of your stick.” — Donald Trump
some Old Testament wisdom
I’m young, but not “know exactly why I came into this room” young.
[Creation]
God: “Give them hair up their nose”
Angel: “Hair? But why?”
God: “To catch their snot”
Angel: “Snot?”
how did people track fundraising before the invention of the thermometer
Curious George Turns Off Google Image Safe Search
My superpower is to make anyone I wanna make comfortable feel uncomfortable.
I hate when someone makes an Instagram for their pet and then spells all the words wrong.
Either your dog is smart enough to set up, build & maintain a successful social media presence or he isn’t.
If you expect me to believe a dog did all this I think he can also spell “hungry.”
*opening a bag of chips*
Librarian: Ma’am, you can’t have food in the library
Me: It’s my emotional support snack
This woman in a commercial says “I just tried a new laxative that’s both gentle and fast” then gets in her car and drives off and I’m questioning whether she really thought this through
Volkswagen’s crimes are CHARMING compared to Samsung’s immeasurable noise pollution with their default whistling asshole ringtone.
Me and the dogs are watching a Tom and Jerry cartoon. They appreciate the blue and yellow hues, and I like the orchestral score, but we’re not buying the improbable plot twists and we bemoan the lack of character depth
Sorry I jumped out from behind the Doritos display at Kroger and started choking you, I’m new to all this roleplay stuff.
3yo hit her big sister then asked if I was calling the police. she wasn’t scared she was testing to see if I’d snitch
WIFE: Sometimes I worry about the example you set for our son.
[Both me and our son eating shredded cheese by the handful]
ME: Can you give me a for instance?
Is it still ‘breakfast’ if you have had midnight snacks in four equal intervals before you woke up formally?
I thought the brakes on my car were squealing but it was just a Mariah Carey song on the radio.
While Taylor Swift’s boyfriends were exported overseas during the Trump years, only during Joe Biden’s administration were we able to bring this job back to the United States.
She’s a ten. Keeps me dry when camping, easy to pack up and take wherever – hang on, being told that’s a tent.
Just killed a cricket at work, and, long story short, I’m now being asked to audition for Riverdance.
I want a car horn that shouts obscenities.
Gmail told me my password wasn’t secure enough but I couldn’t remember it to change it.
How is it not secure enough if I made it and still can’t crack it??
Prisons and psych wards in movies always make it seem like an indignity, but I think it’d be nice to receive food through a slot in my door.
Screw this, I’m going in search of buried treasure. I’m outta here. *stubs toe on coffee table*
There’s no “I” in team but there is one in shut your stupid mouth.
My favorite sound in the world is my kids laughter.
A close second is when their breathing changes indicating they’ve fallen asleep thus giving me permission to stare at my phone peacefully