If you want to keep a secret from me, write it and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
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*returns tent to Target*
CASHIER: What was the problem?
ME: The packing implied that there would be a family that loves me inside the tent
“Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free. Unless they’re darker than, say, beige.”- Statue of Liberty.
I don’t understand how planes work and I’m scared if I think about it too hard the plane will also realise it doesn’t make sense and drop out of the sky 🙁
Me, washing my hands in front of a mirror:
This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.
Batman
Pros: Intelligence, strategist, master fighter, money, Shit shaped like bats, Alfred
Cons: Robin
He goes out for a run, and doesn’t even stop to sniff any crotches.
Humans are weird.~Dogs.
Sometimes I’m out in public and I have to look down real quick to make sure I remembered to put on pants.
there are two types of people:
– someone who texts an entire paragraph before hitting send
– someone who texts that same paragraph and hits send after every third word
*calls boss*
Me: I can’t come to work.
Boss: Why not?
Me: Gotham city needs me.
Boss: …You’re not Batman.
Me: Oh, yes, yes, exaaaactly.
Easing back into Twitter is like slipping on your own shit
Horrifying, yet familiar
No, YOU just googled “emoji meanings” to make sure you’ve been using the correct ones….
I have zero sexual interest in you
you’re not Peter Dinklage
Went to the gym for the first time in months. It turns out I’m more ready for exhuming than I am for exercising.
Aw yeah! Who has two thumbs and is having sex today? That’s right. Somebody else.
Money was so tight last Xmas I had to sell a kidney for gifts. And this year it’s getting so bad, I may even have to sell one of my own.
[first day as a drug dealer]
Buyer: got any Morphine?
Me: I’m gonna be honest with you [searching through fannypack] I don’t know what Feen is.
So, if he gets divorced for the third time…
Does Melania get to keep the White House?
Co Worker: I’m a workaholic.
Me: Oh. My. God. He’s been drinking Workahol!!
I never got into House MD because it was too farfetched. A doctor who’s rude and doesn’t listen to you?
Co-worker: How are you today?
Me: *starts writing death threats on the wall in period blood.*
Took my little niece to the zoo. So many questions. “What’s that? Why’s its neck so long? How long does it live?”
I think she got fed up answering in the end.
*Myself at the doctor*
Is this test absolutely necessary?*Taking my dog to the Vet*
Whatever test is necessary, spare no expense.
If you are flying out of DC on virgin today, check under your seat for a very large mom bra. It’s like a talk show giveaway!
Fact: Chihuahuas shake so much because their blood is two thirds Red Bull.
When I’m having a bad day nothing sets me off quite like trying to pull one wipe out of the container and 47 more coming with it
A REAL CONVERSATION I HEARD BETWEEN TWO GROWN MEN AT TIRES PLUS:
Man #1: *getting ready to pay* Is it a swipey swipe
Man #2: No it’s a chippy chip
dad: when i die, donate my body to science
[later]
me: *handing an urn to the first guy in a labcoat i see* uh here you go
If your 3yo cries for 45 min cause she wants to stay on the toilet but she doesn’t want to stay on the toilet and she wants to wipe but she doesn’t want to wipe and she wants you to stay but she doesn’t want you to stay, letting her have cookies for breakfast is called self-care.
Damn it, my wife found the guy who’s been sneaking in at 11pm is the donut delivery guy. Guess I should stop pretending I’m having an affair with him.