If you want to keep a secret from me, write it and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
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Co-worker playfully snapped my suspenders and now everyone in the office knows my safe word.
What’s the difference between a lentil and a chickpea?
Trump wouldn’t pay $1000 to have a lentil on his face.
#watersportsgate #goldenshower
Walking around Houston airport taking iPads from unattended kids. I have 4 so far.
Fixed this for Shakespeare
Jesus, I didn’t mean my cheese wheel when I said you take the wheel.
Officer: It seems you have been drinking. Could you say the alphabet starting with the letter M?
No problem: Malphabet.
[little snake covering himself with glue before school so his crush will think he started shedding]
Got a text from an unknown number that said “I’m on my way,” so I’m tweeting this from the closet.
Zimbabweans have dismissed Mugabe rumour saying
“Mugabe cannot have a heart attack. He doesnt have a heart.”
Me standing next to random car making phone call, Swiss policeman arrives,
“You cannot park there”
“It’s not my car”
“You have to move it”
“It’s not my car”
“Move it or get a fine”
“It’s not my car”
Policeman writes ticket,
“I did warn you”“It’s not my car”
Jesus needed to sleep in a cave for 3 days and he didn’t even have kids
*unzips babybell cheese*
yeah. that’s him.
*rezips babybell cheese*
I SHOULD HAVE WRITTEN THAT DOWN
An Autobiography
Everyone hates millennials until it’s time to convert a PDF into a Word document
Me: Cute baby, when was she born?
New mother: Yesterday.
Me: *opens coat filled with knock-off watches* Hey kid, I got Rolexes, 50 bucks.
*ernest hemingway voice*
My friend: My fridge broke down, all my ice cream is gonna melt!
Me:
Me: Step aside.
[eraser factory]
BOSS: what makes u think ur right for the job?
ME: *hands him blank piece of paper* I think my resumé speaks for itself
Eating pizza is a lot like drinking alcohol. If you have too much you always end up being like “I could really go for some pizza.”
anti-tattoo people saying “my body’s a temple” like they wouldn’t worship at a temple that had an enormous mural of a tiger fighting a cobra
“What do you mean ‘stuffed'”?
Who the friggin hell buys a cat? There are cats everywhere. You just let one into your home and it becomes your cat.
Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps
HOW TO DIAGNOSE ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION:
1) It’s not very hard
welcome back
The year is 2246. Disease and hunger have been eradicated. The terraforming of Mars is complete. The symbol for Save is still a floppy disk.
“There’s nothing wrong with being single.”
No.
“I’ve got plenty of time.”
Sure.
“I’m not lonely.”
Sir, are you going to buy anything?
coworker:
[points at my flip flops]
You know it’s going to rain today, right?!me:
[looks up]
Oh thank god! We have a ceiling here at work!
The superstition where you hold your breath as you drive past a cemetery sounds like a ploy by Big Cemetery to fill more cemeteries.
Ever notice that women say “scare you to death” while men say “scare the pants off you”?
Well played men, well played…