If you want to keep a secret from me, write it down and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
You Might Also Like
i don’t have a lot of great life advice but one thing i can 100% tell you is don’t be the person sending angry drunk texts after midnight
I like this time of year because I can dig graves in my front yard and people think it’s just a cute Halloween display
oh my gosh!!
Walking 500 miles:
-somewhat impressive
-no real purpose
-kind of weirdWalking 500 more:
-an impressive total of 1000 miles
-to fall down at your door
-da da da (DA DA DA)
Social experiments where skinny people wear fat suits teach us to be nicer to fat people because it might be a skinny person in a fat suit.
me [to snail on ceiling]: ah ure a cute lil guy how’d u get up there?
snail: I just want to die pls why do I have to be so sticky
going into to sephora and putting some lipstick on my collar to make my gf jealous
Ways to know a guy at the bar wants to take you home:
1. He talks to you.
2. He buys you a drink.
3. That drink makes you REALLY sleepy.
Therapist: what’s upsetting you?
Wife: he’s always using common phrases incorrectly
Me: cry me a table, Linda
If you stand in the rain, you’ll grow quicker.
Every liquor store should sell lemons, limes, and oranges!!!!!!!!!
*drunkenly sliding down telephone pole wearing oven mitts*
Cop: Sir? May I ask you what you’re doing?
I’m a sexy fireman, rawr.
One time I accidentally listened to a John Mayer song & spontaneously generated 2 thumb rings before it was over.
Shake up a random soda pop in the company fridge today. You deserve it.
You’d think for $40 they’d be able to cut anything but apparently my wife’s expensive craft scissors are not for opening ice pops.
ME (a plane scientist): ah yes, the plane is clearly thirsty
Me: and i love that thing u do with ur tongue piercing..
Wife: OMG [storms off]
Me: WRITING OUR OWN VOWS WAS YOUR IDEA LYDIA
[Priest faints]
I feel like trying new things in bed. Like getting up for instance.
I eat oatmeal in the morning to help my cholesterol. I eat cheese for the rest of the day because I ate oatmeal in the morning.
“Are you going to apologize for what you said?”
“I’m sorry I feel that way.”
Realtor: This house will need a lot of work, but it has good bones
Dog: WE’LL TAKE IT
Him: Who are you supporting in the World Cup?
Me: Hogwarts.
I ordered a large pizza and before answering the door, I yelled, “Pizza is here,” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating a large all by myself.
My ransom was dropped from $30,000 to fifty bucks when my parents told my kidnappers it’d take 2 days to come up with the money.
Him: I’d go to the end of the world for you!
Me: Well… what are you waiting for then?
[bakery]
Robber: Give me all of your bread
Baker: *starts emptying the register*
Robber: Oh yeah, good idea, give me all your money too
just got back from time traveling to get hitler kicked out of art school because i hated his paintings. you guys probably don’t even know who I’m talking about huh
[canadians at you, canadianly]
*Leaving the bar with a hot girl*
Girl: I’m on my menstrual cycle. I hope you don’t mind.
Me: Not a problem. I’m on my moped, I’ll follow you.
I want to be cremated when I die, or at the very least sautéed.