If you want to keep a secret from me, write it down and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
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(after spending 15 minutes ripping a video off instagram and reposting it to twitter) who did this 😂😂😂😂😂
GENIE: you have 3 fishes
ME: you mean wishes, right?
GENIE: times are tough
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE:
ME: I’ll take two mackerel and a goldfish
girlfriend: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [whispering] babe that’s so rude, just order your own
LMAO.
JOHN DONNE: No man is an island.
GUY WHOSE JOB IS TO FIGURE OUT WHAT ISLANDS ARE: *Crosses out men* Okay. Strong start.
Ghost: they can’t kill us
Wife: that’s what u said last time
[Joseph checking in to hotel]
“Is there WiFi?”
Only in the stable
*later to Virgin Mary*
“Honey, hotel was booked. Gotta stay in the stable”
5-year-old at recess: “My throat feels like sticks are stuck in it.”
Me: “Do you think you’re getting sick?”
5-year-old: “Yes. Also, I just ate some mulch.”
me: [answers phone in meeting] “this better be important”
wife: “i think we’re having a baby”
me: [sighs] “you told me that 9 months ago”
You can’t make this shit up 😩
(photo not mine, nor is the pooh)
interviewer : you said you have a dark past, so why should we hire you ?
me : …so I can pay my electricity bills
If you can read this, you’re standing too close to my iPhone!
Grandma: ‘And that’s how me and your grandfather chose the colour of toaster in our first home’
Me: ‘So you haven’t seen my scarf?’
a solar eclipse and a tree is like “aw man I was eating that”
For Mother’s Day, I told my teens, I’m going to reenact every detail of each of your births.
I am angry but not like really angry. More like Facebook angry where I call you letters of the alphabet. You F’ing B.
My favorite part of the holiday party is getting to meet my coworkers’ dates & find out who chooses to put up with these people for free.
Once again, I have waited till the very last minute to do Christmas shopping. Today I shall battle my fellow procrastinators at the mall. “Here are some socks and underwear kids. I had to shank a woman For these”
“Your optimism for the future makes me think you’re not paying attention.”
My mum: It’s a baby shower. Just write “congratulations”.
When a guy jokes about pms, you need to laugh along to show you’re a cool chick, but hold the laugh too long- so he gets scared.
[sheriff’s office]
me: we found a body in the woods but it’s decayed beyond recognition
deputy: can’t you identify it using dental records
me: ordinarily we would but the town dentist has been missing for over a month now
My favorite part of meal prepping all of my lunches for the week on Sunday is that then I have an easy way to eat all five of those lunches before noon on Monday.
My favorite type of Facebook marketplace sales are “people who gradually realize its impossible to get rid of a piano”
{During Mass}
Priest: Can someone please check on the woman screaming the rosary in the confessional booth?
Daughter saw old clothes I’ve saved for sentimental value & said ‘I bet you cried when the last dinosaur died too’. She’s out of the will.
Do not ask for who the bell tolls because it’s whom you monster
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to have pizza.
[infomercial]
ME: wanna know how to lose 15 lbs with 1 easy trick?!
AUDIENCE: YES!
*a surgeon amputates my leg right there on stage*
mcdonalds’s with a small walmart inside
most villains can be defeeted with a simple bone saw.