If you want to keep your kids out of your phone, you have to think of a creative password they will never ever guess, like your birthday.
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My wife and I just renewed our vows of celibacy.
I bought myself some ice skates the other day and went skating today for the first time in about 15 yrs …
I’m returning the skates tomorrow.
[god creating kangaroos]
Let’s make a horse rabbit.
[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
there’s a trend I’m seeing on TikTok rn of women in their 20s and 30s starting ballet “for their mental health” and as a former ballerina…….. i am experiencing some real dramatic irony here
Teaching my first English course this semester has been rewarding but I don’t know what to do with this student
just weaponized “with all due respect” at my condo board. and now we wait.
Sleepless in Seattle starring Tom Honks and Meg Ryan (1993)
Roses are red, violets are blue, vodka costs less than a dinner for two.
If I were a waitress, I’d be planting fake engagement rings in every girl’s food, just to see their boyfriends panic.
I need the type of burger that you’d hide from your life insurance company
I wrote a message to my mom giving her a heads up on my carefully thought-out plan to approach my wife about a divorce, and then accidentally sent it to my wife.
Judging by this sunburn, I’d say the sunscreen I lathered on earlier was SPF goddamn liar.
Me: *makes 120 gazillion meals*
Kids: yuk
Husband: *makes pancakes*
Kids: daddy you’re a much better cook than mummy
“Dad, what caused the Great Fire of London?”
[googles but can’t get wifi] Well son, that’s when Bach dropped the most fire mixtape of 1666
Jay Z: Can I get a what what?
Teacher: Jay Z, can you or may you?
Jay Z: SORRY MAY I GET A WHAT WHAT
Teacher: Yes, you may get a what what.
[1994]
*rewinds tape with a pencil*[2016]
*gets angry when I accidentally close the music app*
INTERVIEWER: You worked in a NASCAR pit crew? How does that qualify you to work here at the Men’s Wearhou
*I’ve already changed his pants*
INTERVIEWER: Would you like a donut?
ME: *takes three*
I: Um, ok, what’s your greatest strength?
ME: [grabbing two more donuts] Self-control
Currently binge watching old eclipses to get caught up for tomorrow.
If your friend says they can’t swim, don’t make them go in the water because they might be hiding the fact that they’re a robot and you don’t want them to know that you know.
Any job that calls u a rockstar just know they’re underpaying u
If I owned a moving company, I’d call it ‘Van Gogh.’
Siri, tell me what these manicure ladies are saying about me.
Chicago launched an innovative new ride-sharing program today and the way it works is some guy stole my bike.
What do you mean we “lost” an hour of sleep? FIND IT
INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: no but i can explain this gap in my teeth. i can shoot water out of it. *takes a sip of his coffee* vanna thee?
5: how many numbers do you love me?
Me: awww I can’t even count how much I love you cause I love you soooo much
5: aw I love you 24
Eels, the slap bracelets of the sea.
I love children, especially when they cry and someone takes them away.