If you want to know how I rate in our household, my wife has one term of endearment for me and 74 for our dog.
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The vast majority of spider couples met on the web.
How many mission impossible movies must there be before they admit that the missions are actually kinda doable?
I have a friend visiting from out of town. What’s your fave place in LA to look at your phone??
[BOOPS nose]
COP: Sir, I’m gonna need you to touch your finger to the tip of YOUR nose.
The US Defense budget is 40x bigger than NASA’s. It’s surprising we actually went to the moon instead of blowing it up.
Sorry I said “nice phone” when you showed me a photo of your baby.
Never understood football. If I wanted to watch people run into each other I would just go to the mall on a Saturday.
Like dudes straight up do not pay attention. It took Bruce Willis 2 hours and 10 minutes to realize he was a damn ghost in the Sixth Sense.
Making crop circles IS a full time job, Troy. No one gets funding to study aliens if there are no aliens to study. Duh.
Yea baby you like them thick?
Check out my orthopedic shoes.
My favorite farside!!
Okay, I’ll bite, what is “the Beatles”
I saw an identical tweet of my joke! It was posted months before mine, so he’s worse than a tweet thief; he’s a time-travelling tweet thief!
Good Witch: I present you with some magical ruby slippers!
Dorothy: Oh wow, what do they do?
Good Witch: If you click the heels they will send you to Kansas.
Dorothy: …What else you got?
*94K tweets later* I’m really a very private person
[first date]
Boy: so where are you from?
Me: [points to all you can eat sign]
I live here now.
Going to start a band called The Subtweets. All songs will contain cryptic lyrics that incite paranoia in the crowd.
COP: I’m arresting you
ME: oh no
COP: You must make one phone call
ME: OH NO
Damn right I’m cultured. I learned all about classical music from Bugs Bunny.
WIFE: you can’t just deep-fry everything
ME: what do you mean?
WIFE: I mean put down the cat
The year is 2482.
The human population has been decimated.
Machines have taken over Earth.
A new season of Grey’s Anatomy starts.
Tell your household jumble of working & non working miscellaneous cables I said hi
Friend: I want a baby.
Me: Remember when your neighbor was practicing the clarinet at 1AM? It’s like that, but you can’t call the cops.
*ties husband’s hands to headboard*
*turns out lights*
*opens laptop*“Welcome to my PowerPoint presentation ‘Curtains: How About These?'”
Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Me: “That depends.”
Interviewer: “On?”
Me: “If I get this job.”
Interviewer: “Alright then, let’s say you get this job.”
Me: “Great, no take backs!”
Interviewer: “Shit, no I me…ahh, you’re good, ok. You start tomorrow.”
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
My house looks like I’m losing a game of Jumanji.
A shark, a crocodile and a giant spider walk into a bar.
There’s no punchline. It’s just a typical night in Australia.
Just made some home made Mac n cheese, so cheesy and buttery that you have to sign a medical waiver before taking a bite.