MY GRANDMA: The doctor says I’m standard.
ME: That’s not what STD is short for Grandma.
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I’ve never watched The Bachelor but I have been to a bar.
I don’t understand why you’re all so down on marriage. You get a 50% chance of unplugging someone’s life support. That’s the real American dream.
ME: I was just stung by a WASP.
FRIEND: Are you hurt?!
ME: Yes, she said my hair is dry, and my handbag should be on a hobo’s stick.
Wife: “Do you want to watch Batman Forever?”
Me: “I’ll watch it for a couple of hours.”
Wife: “I hate you.”
Wife is painting the upstairs bedrooms. It’s not in my nature to sit still while she slaves away so I went up and complained about the color
Winters, when your handwriting turns out the same no matter which hand you use.
Me (standing on top of my kitchen island): I CANT SWIM!!!!
HIM: What do you think happens to us when we die?
ME: Funerals, you idiot.
[in the insect dissection room]
Your fly is open.
Wife : Even if you cheated on me, I wouldn’t leave you.
Me : Really?
Wife : Yes. Why would I reward you for cheating?
Thinking about getting real into bonsai trees. It seems like an expensive hobby that I’ll lose interest in almost immediately, which is right in my wheelhouse
Sometimes, I look at the kids of today and think, “Thank god I’ll be dead by the time you grow up.”
You’re the unreachable booger of people.
I want to open a pizza shop called “Cheesus Crust!” Our slogan will be: “Heavenly ingredients, served hot as Hell.” -or- “Crust has risen.”
GENIE: and for your first wish?
ME: I wish that the end of every bag of chips was the start of another
GENIE: holy shit!
kids: can we have a popsicle?
me: *eating a popsicle* no it’s 8am
Sometimes I accidentally make eye contact with someone and it’s like “well I better just go with it” and I begin sprinting at them
“Eat right and exercise?!?…
I dunno…seems like some kind of a scam, Doc.”
AVATAR
AVA2R
3VATAR
AV4TAR
AVATAR (the V means 5)
SPOUSE: Why is there a cow in the front yard?
ME: Remember how I really wanted a riding lawnmower, but we couldn’t afford one?
SPOUSE: Yeah.
ME: Well, for entirely unrelated reasons I stole a cow.
M: what’s this about, 007?
James Bond: he’s plotting revolution, ma’am
M: are you sure?
JB: he’s happy to confess, ask him
M: *turning to the suspect* what do you have to say for yourself?
pigeon: coo
M: my god man, you’re right!
Maybe Jehovah’s Witnesses keep knock knock knocking because they’re looking for Heaven’s Door.
You don’t know.
Just once I’d like to hear a doctor say, “Your guess is as good as mine.”
Why are the people with the most annoying laughs the ones that find everything hysterical?
Tweet like you’ll never run for public office.
My daughter just asked “if you’re waiting for the waiter, doesn’t that make you the waiter?”
Me:……….
What idiot called it Kenny Loggins describing how he visited Bethlehem to see the Christ child and not “I went to the Manger Zone”?
Merry Christmas everyone
Sorry Im late, I saw that Spongebob episode where he’s a lifeguard but cant swim, even though they live underwater & now my brain is leaking
How many light bulbs does it take to change people?
If Anubis tried to weigh my heart to pass judgment on my eternal soul I would chase that dog with a vacuum cleaner