@SCbchbum: If you want to know how many hours your mom was in labor with you, tell her you won't be able to come over & visit.
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@T_N_Crumpets: *Bruno Mars on the radio* Wife: Would you catch a grenade for me? Brain: Just say, YES! Me: Has the pin been pulled? Brain: Idiot!
@pippydrydocking: If you want to give me dirty looks for being at the liquor store at 9am, don't be open.
@ninatreemonkey: Met my boyfriend on eharmony, also eharmony is the nickname I gave this vending machine, meet my sandwich
@rohmontgomery: I am upset with my parents for making me exist. u just decided to make a person one day? who's gonna pay my bills? me? I didn't ask for this