@SCbchbum: If you want to know how many hours your mom was in labor with you, tell her you won't be able to come over & visit.
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@Darchstar007: Wife: every time we argue, you think you're right. Me: yes, because if I thought you were right, I wouldn't be arguing...
@AGreaterMonster: A firm handshake and a kiss on the neck is how I like to close my job interviews. Nailed it!
@Matt_The_Fist: I like to walk through the mall and hand out bags of Cheetos to all the kids I see wearing white clothes
@koalaslament: Coworker said 'nice pink shirt, when did you come out?' I said 'IT'S NOT PINK IT'S SALMON!'. Then I snapped my fingers and skipped away.