If you want to know what a girl will look like in 30 years, stop talking to her and show up to her house in 30 years to check on her.
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I don’t blame sharks. If someone walked into my house and started splashing around in my bath, I’d bite their leg off too.
At this point I’m waiting for my student loans to ask me if I want to add 10%, 15% or 20% gratuity to my bill.
This is a environmentally responsible account. I reuse all the letters from deleted tweets.
Drinking at home is convenient, sure, but it’s nothing like the experience of leaving the pub feeling fifty bucks lighter.
TV WRITER (MALE): How do we make the girl character hot hot cool make me hard?
OTHER WRITER (MALE): Make her know the names of all da carzzz!!
TVW: Should we give her other personality traits?
OTVW: No definitely not!
TVW: Should she BE a car?
OTVW: Whoa. Yes.
[accepting a compliment]
you are wrong
Who called them “priests” instead of “weapons of mass instruction”?
My friend: Have you ever tripped on mushrooms?
Me: Yeah I’m very clumsy
I honestly see both sides of the flat earth debate.
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish
I don’t like towels so after a shower I just sit in a tub of rice
*invents time machine*
*goes to 1930 germany*
*points guns at young hitler*
What gives u the right to ruin a mustache style for everyone?
Ladies, never trust a dude with a fancy mustache. They’re just a top hat and a cape away from tying you to the train tracks or the conveyor belt of a giant lumber mill saw.
If your friend says they can’t swim, don’t make them go in the water because they might be hiding the fact that they’re a robot and you don’t want them to know that you know.
The kids are out of town, so I buy things from Ikea because I’m used to having my patience tested.
is it rude to throw a breath mint in some ones mouth while they are talking?
Seems legit
Unknown number calls and expects me to talk first, welcome to breathing competition.
If my husband doesn’t convert my ashes to ink and get me tatoo’ed into his flesh, I am coming back to dampen his socks for eternity.
Tai Chi is so crazy because it’s like throwing a slow motion tantrum.
Trainer: Are you wearing lipstick? Me: OMG no, that’s just wine.
How actors in movies eat their food
NAZI: Some of us Nazis got hurt too
ME: Thoughts and bears
NAZI: Don’t you mean “thoughts and pra–
ME *releasing grizzly bear*: Nope
I think it’s fun that witches chose brooms to fly on, but if I were them, I’d fly on a rifle. This way when you land you have a rifle.
At the age where a big break could mean either my career or a hip
I don’t like the person you become when I’m on my period.
Gf: I ate that Twix you bought for yourself
Me: I see
Gf: Are you gonna over-react?
Me: Of course not, I know exactly what to do
Ex Gf: what
My dog is expecting a treat for bravely protecting us from the oven timer.
Me: I should tell him how I feel.
Beer: Nah.
Vodka: Just be sweet about it.
Whiskey: Or yell it.
Tequila: MAKE SURE YOU CRY GUYS LOVE THAT
My mom will lecture me about how dumb my video game hobby is and then spend a week knitting socks for her cat