If you want to know what a girl will look like in 30 years, stop talking to her and show up to her house in 30 years to check on her.
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Jesus: … when you saw only one set of footprints, that’s when I was carrying you.
Me: What about that spot with lots of footprints?
Jesus: I didn’t want to alarm you, but I did also fight some ninjas who were stalking us.
[me dress shopping]
“Ohhhh that’s cute”
*an 80 year old buys it*
Squirrels run around like they’re being chased. Nobody cares about you. You live in tree. Get a job
Wife: can you please stop referring to our entire marriage as your “awkward phase”
Jealousy will be your downfall, though other people will have better-looking, more successful downfalls.
If a man remembers your birthday, saves your pictures and knows your family & friends and shares your memories,
it’s not any man……
It’s Mark Zuckerberg
people only watched my two hour youtube video dissertation on false advertising centered in the landscape of 21st century social media through to the end because I told them to ‘wait for it’ in the description
Two sessions in and my therapist absolutely hates the guy who suggested I need therapy. Love that for me.
mondays are the worst day of the week because no one likes you unless you’re a holiday
College is like a Dora the Explorer episode; your professor asks a question, stares at you and then answers their own question.
“We had unprotected sex. Give us a present.” — the subtext of every baby shower
Being a little bit crazy is like being a little bit pregnant – you can only hide it for so long.
I like how the dude in the next self-checkout lane is trying to disarm me with small talk like we don’t both know this is a goddamn race
“Hey. My eye is up here.”
– hurricanes
Once again, I have waited till the very last minute to do Christmas shopping. Today I shall battle my fellow procrastinators at the mall. “Here are some socks and underwear kids. I had to shank a woman For these”
I just imagined what it would be like to cut eyeholes in a slice of provolone cheese and wear it like a mask. So yeah I’m fine.
Got Fired by the Zoo for Giving all the Meerkats Tiny Binoculars
Cashier #1: “Can I help you?”
Me: How long would it take to get a turkey burger to go?
Cashier #1: “About 5 minutes”
Cashier #2: “Are you Tony Hawk?”
Me: yes
Cashier #1: “Do you want a turkey burger then?”
Me: yes please, and an iced tea
Cashier #1: “Can I get a name?”
[Texting]
My Brother: Here’s pictures from my 40 mile hike
Me: Here’s pictures of my second breakfast
I hate when people ask me if I’m all ready for Christmas. No Susan. I’m not even ready for today.
“Where is the pooping bathroom?” I casually ask the hostess at the holiday party I’ll never be invited to again.
I bet if Bruce Banner had children he’d be the Hulk more than 90% of the time.
Who needs expensive lip plumpers when your toddler can hit you in the face with a toy train for free?
Software Development ⛵️
Me: “If Americans say ‘sidewalk’, what do we mean in England?”
My six year old: “Crab!”
Me: *pulls an apple out of my pocket*
Doctor: Easy now…let’s not get crazy.
Raise the roof!
The roof is on fire!
Hit the club!
Bust those moves!
Burning the dance floor!– RL partying sounds so violent
Accidentally sent a guy a 😉 instead of a :), now one of us is probably pregnant.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
If Mona Lisa was on Instagram