If you want to look mysterious I would suggest painting your cornea with a sharpie. Always works for me.
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My kids, when I tell them, “Stop trying to talk over one another. If you each want to tell me something, tell me one at a time, so I can understand you.”
Wife: Did you pay the mortgage yet?
Me: Do you think surfers in India are called Hindudes?
Wife: What?
Me: What?
Communication is hard
Side effect of quarantine is it’s really hard to end phone calls. Twice today I almost said “okay I have to run” before realizing there is nowhere to run to
I’m the friend that shows up with a shovel and alibi.
Her: You know, alot of men are going to be miserable when I marry.
Me: Well how many men do you plan to marry?
An app that tells you the cleanest highway bathrooms. Why isn’t this a thing yet.
Kudos to Google for starting a company before you could Google, “How to start a company?”
I think Lady Gaga just puts glue on herself and rolls around on random things.
GPS: turn left onto High Street
Husband: no thanks, I know a longer way.
When people show up unexpectedly for dinner:
Tonight we have slow boiled hot dog sat upon Dempsters bun with a tomato puree beside carrot sticks and crispy potato patty garnished with strawberry slices
I love spending 20 mins wrapping cocktail weiners in croissant dough so the 3yo at the party can take off the ‘crust’ and eat just the ‘hotdog’.
If you’re going to cook a hamster, don’t you dare do it in the microwave. Be civilized. Use a rotisserie.
Todays yoga pose is Downward Spiral.
Kids today dont know how good they have it, with their tablets and iPads. When I was their age all I had was lice.
Confused owl: What?!
[date]
me: what’s your type?
her: I like a man who doesn’t get jealous
me: WHO IS HE
I said NO, Steve! It’s a terrible idea. We’ll never get away with it…
I took my family out to an authentic Chinese restaurant. My wife and I had chow mein and my daughter built 3 iPhones
When a black guy pulls a knife on me on the subway I remind him he doesn’t have to feed into racial stereotypes. Then I usually get stabbed.
“What would you say is your greatest weakness?”
Probably my tendency to stalk and murder people who won’t hire me.
Why are ghosts always just moaning? Did your manners die too? Use your words!
“This is a robbery! Be cool and nobody gets hurt!”
ME: *starts vaping*
Why do they call it “buckling a cranky baby into a car seat” and not “fasten the furious?”
(Is it still okay to do these given politics?)
What idiot called it “salad” and not “la sad”
Do you know beforehand your dog is a cadaver dog, or do your first several walks always happen to end with finding a body?
When I die i’m donating half my body to science and half my body to a magician
Being a diabetic has proved to be difficult. For example, I can’t have a sugar daddy.
Guy sitting next to me on the airplane is eating his sandwich like a starved hyena and chunks of food keep landing on my leg….What’s the proper etiquette for this? I eat it right?!