If you want to look mysterious I would suggest painting your cornea with a sharpie. Always works for me.
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Facebook: Look at my perfect life
Instagram: Validate me harder
Twitter: Does this look infected?
waffles are just pancakes that ran into the screen porch door at full speed.
*during sex
Her: This feels weird. Is it a waterbed?
Me: Nope. Way better.
*pulls back sheet to reveal hundreds of meatball subs
My wife bought 24 Hostess cupcakes for my son to take to school tomorrow for his birthday treat. I didn’t know that’s what they were for. I hope 8 kids are absent tomorrow.
“Nope. Nope. Yeah right. Nope. Close! Nah. Nope. Almost! Hahaha, you’re terrible at this.” – piece of popcorn stuck between teeth.
Doctor: so, how did you injure your rotator cuff?
Me, remembering reaching for the wet wipes on the back of the toilet: TENNIS
god: i have made Mankind
angels: you fucked up a perfectly good monkey is what you did. look at it. it’s got anxiety
Me: *explains idea*
Boss: That’s the dumbest idea ever
Me:*clears throat*
*repeats exact same idea in a British accent*
Boss: Brilliant!
throwin a party tonight
goths $5
furries $5raccoons $10 since y’all wanna be both
Who thought blowing out candles on a cake was a good tradition? Ah yes; wax would go well with this cake and you know what else? Child spit.
The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down…and that’s when things got interesting.
The most unbelievable song lyric of all-time is a woman saying “it’s raining men” and another woman following-up with “hallelujah!”
Hour 43 no smoking:
-No one is dead.
-Colors are more vivid.
-Country music makes sense.
-I’d suck a fart if it contained nicotine.
My kids are asking for another dog that I can feed and walk.
WIFE: what’s the name of that girl you work with?
ME: which girl?
WIFE: the pretty one
ME: I feel like this is a trap
How do you end an argument with a woman?
Tell her to calm down.
You’re dead now but the argument is over.
I keep getting a message that “Twitter is having issues”
Good job guys…we drove twitter crazy!
I know it’s impossible to keep kids from screaming when they play outside but I wish there was some way to teach them the difference between “WE ARE HAVING A FUN GAME!” Screaming and “WE ARE BEING BRUTALLY MURDERED!” Screaming
[first day as skydiving instructor]
Me, holding back tears: some of you aren’t gonna make it
New sheets new sheets watcha gonna do whatcha gonna do when I sleep in you
Adam: Eve, you read the terms and conditions before using that Apple product right?
Eve: Uh yeah, totally
[Freddy Krueger enters my dream but I’m blasting Rebecca Black on repeat]
Who’s nightmare is it now Freddy?!
One of the weirdest aspects of being human is that if something is cute enough our only response is to want to squeeze it until it’s dead.
I get really freakin pissed off when complete strangers ask me a lot of questions. So no… the job interview didn’t go very well.
“If I eat my arm, I can’t technically gain any weight” – my thought process after only 5 days of dieting.
I’m doomed.
If I was a dental hygienist I’d be like “Now I’m gonna rip up your gums with a metal hook and then blame you for not flossing enough, sorry”
Took my kid to a roller rink and strapped on skates for the first time in 30 years.
The arcade games, the music, the disco ball; every detail took me straight back to my youth.
The only new feature was the ambulance ride.
Hey! This isn’t my car!
Boss: Since it’s a long weekend, you can leave early today.
Me: [left 3 hours ago]
[God creating mosquitoes]
“I wonder how I could get everyone to spray chemicals on themselves and also slap their own faces.”