@Donna_McCoy: If you want to piss off a narcissist, just tell 'em that subtweet wasn't about them.
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@sad_tree: [job interview] "So why do you want to be a jeweler?" ME(thinking about using that eye thing to appraise chicken nuggets): I love rubies
@chagger73: I only watch Storage Wars to see if they find my ex's body. Just kidding. I like the show. And she's buried in the woods.
@miffedmim:  The rejected Spice Girl, Pumpkin, sobs outside the studio. Little does she know that in 20 years their fans will love her the most.
@TheMichaelRock: Me: If I have $45 and your mother has $15, how much money does your mom have? 6yo: $60 Me: That's correct, son.