If you want to piss off a narcissist, just tell ’em that subtweet wasn’t about them.
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Death certificates are our last participation award.
you can do it, they said…put your back into it, they said
Might buy one those Amazon driver delivery uniforms so my wife will be excited to see me when I get home from work.
Hey boy, are you a software update because not now
ME [giving a PowerPoint presentation]: *points so hard*
I’m so full I could puke a horse
Breakfast: “Coffee, please.”
Lunch: “Just grilled chicken over a small salad.”
Dinner: “I’ll take a wheelbarrow full of lasagna and enough chocolate to kill a horse.”
“One box of murder hornets, please. And yes, it’s a gift.”
I keep calling one of my soccer players by the wrong name but in my defense I’ve only been coaching the team for a month and I’m her mother.
*pulls curtain back while wife is in the shower*
me: Are we – stop screaming, it’s just me- are we out of Cheetos?
#polloftheday
he literally just said, “everyone’s saying i won the debate.”
is it possible…hear me out…trump has an imaginary friend named Everyone?
When I make my first million, Im switching from 2 ply toilet paper to white bread.
I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.
I’m not saying it rains a lot in the UK, but I am amazed we don’t get more medieval-style terrified by the occasional snatched glimpses of a giant ball of fire in the sky.
If a bullet train doesn’t come out of a train gun I don’t want it
I don’t understand. I cleaned my bathroom 7 months ago. Why is it dirty again.
Guy on Tinder: I speak 12 languages
Me:
Guy on Tinder: I made my niece a yacht out of chewing gum, balsa wood, and macaroni
Me: *plays the kazoo perfectly with my left nostril
Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.
Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?
WIFE: why is the dog wearing a tux?
ME: u said to groom him
WIFE: i meant brush
ME: oh…sorry buddy, wedding’s off
DOG: this is bullshit
Me: Do you have any wrongdog?
“Ugh fine what’s wrongdog”
Me: thank you so much for asking I’m doing terrible
“Donatello choose ur weapon”
“I’ll take a stick”
“Really not a sword? Nunchu..”
“A STICK”
“Ha I guess u wanna wear purple too?”
“…”
“Ugh”
My mom laughed at me when I said I was going to build a car out of spaghetti.
You should have seen her face as I drove pasta
Sometimes I get bored and tell people I’ve never had pizza before.
Facebook friend: If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you-
SHUT UP, SHANNON. YOU’RE *ALWAYS* AT YOUR WORST.
I wouldn’t have to stash these leftovers in my bra if this dress had pockets
My husband and I got in a fight and I was certain I had the last word until we went to bed and he started snoring
Motherhood is the perfect combination of heart swelling pride and “I didn’t sign up for this.”
Amazon: Your order has been ship—
Me: *Track Package*
Valentine’s Day tip for the men:
If you made dinner reservations call the restaurant and tell the host there’s an extra $20 for the bartenders if they card your wife.
You’re welcome