If you want to piss off a narcissist, just tell ’em that subtweet wasn’t about them.
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The first time I tried to repair one of my kids toys, I thought it was important that they stand back a bit, and verily, I say unto you, it was from there that they watched me superglue the skylander to my hand.
Airbud was on a human basketball team. I want to see a human running as a dog on a sled dog team.
Yes, my name is Kirk
Yes, my parents were Star Trek fans
Yes, I never heard these questions before
Yes, you are good at icebreakers
Me to my toddler: Listen up, small human. Here are some farm animal sounds you should learn to prepare you to climb the corporate ladder.
Just cleaned out my desk.
Bad news: I apparently have 1,453 Sharpies and none of them are sharp.
Good news: I found the plane!
[watching paint dry]
“Haha! It’s just nice watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch inMy God! There he is”
I’m not saying I drink a lot of wine but I am saying my dentist sent me flowers for switching from red wine to white.
I just saw a couple walking and they both had ankle monitors, which just goes to show that there’s someone for everybody.
Decided not to have kids after spending the weekend with my little niece who only wanted to eat the “inside of a pancake”
I spent a good portion of today sitting in a Snuggie watching Cops. Eventually, they told me to go home and put on pants.
– grabs leash
– grabs phone
– takes dog out for walk
– pulls out phone
– checks Twitter
– walks dog to South America
The acute panic of my child going to hunt for batteries in my bedroom.
they finally got him. they got macavity
Me:What’d u ask Santa for
6: a speed boat
M: like a Lego boat?
6: no
M: oh for the bath?
6: no
M: the pool?
6: *doesnt break eye contact* no
You give me something. It’s mainly indigestion and the creeps but that’s something.
The funniest thing about being sober is to realize you were so drunk last night you were tweeting all night with a calculator.
Most of my Biology exams were Bio D Gradeable.
I’ll let myself out.
I have a friend who’s SUPER into Shakespeare.
She’s bardcore.
2 things lotion won’t let you do when it’s on your hands because it’s evil:
1) escape the bathroom
2) open a beer
One time I got fired for being too drunk. Not for being drunk. For being too drunk. I miss that place.
Masks have freed me to do a whole lot of weird things with my mouth in public that I never even knew I wanted to do.
If two pieces of pizza share the same pepperoni that is one piece of pizza. Don’t let anybody tell you differently
“Mom?”
“Yes?”
“Are we having seafood for dinner?”
“No, why?”
“I heard Dad on the phone.”
“And?”
“He said that he picked up a case of crabs.”
Wife: how’d you get that burn on your arm??
Me (looking fabulous): not from your curling iron
What Nasa dont want you to know is those space suits they wear, those are actually bee keepers outfits.
Space is full of bees.
The moon is actually a giant hive, its where we get like 95% of our honey from. Check that moon landing footage again, its not grainy, thats a swarm.
[dunk tank baptism] *to little boy* you only have 3 chances or this clown doesn’t get into heaven
crochet youtube is brutal
Sorry we can’t be friends, but you spent $50 on a wine scented candle because it smelled good instead of just buying me five bottles of wine.
Every time I think I’m childproofing by putting something out of reach my toddler is just like, ‘LEVEL UP!’
A completely valid reaction tbh