cleared my schedule so Friday me will have a great day but Monday me is gonna be PISSED
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Brunos are from Mars, Freddies are from Mercury.
My kid just looked at a random speaker and said, “Alexa! Oh wait, that’s not your name,” and then walked away as if nothing happened.
If I’m your lawyer, we’re in jail
Giving up my job to start a new career as a Minecraft YouTuber purely in an attempt to grab my kid’s attention long enough to find out what snack she wants.
*pronounces woah like Noah*
My 20 y.o. son: Mom, if you were in Star Wars, do you think you’d be on the light side or the dark side?
Me: I’d probably be the mom whose son abandoned her to stay a slave on a desert planet after he won a flying car race.
What’s brown, hairy and wears sunglasses?
A coconut on holiday!
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#SaturdayVibes #SaturdayThoughts #Holiday
If RL people ask you how to join twitter, tell them they have to be sponsored by six people and submit tweets for approval. And pay. Sorted.
Interviewer: can you tell me about a time when you succeeded?
Me: (nods and looks out the window contemplatively) no
Let me get this straight. The guy was raised by animals in the jungle with no human contact whatsoever and he named himself George?
*after eating 5300 calories of chinese food in 1 sitting* is nausea a symptom of covid
Nurse – “OK we are gonna start you on the scale”
Me – “You know what maybe I’m not so sick after all, *pulls knife put of leg*
Virgo: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
If the police don’t escort you out of Applebees then is it really a good date?
There is nothing more enjoyable than watching a child being chased by a seagull.
[coffee shop]
*casually puts arm around wife*
*reaches up to Free Wifi sign with a pen*
*changes last “i” to an “e”, draws downward arrow*
[Hospital]
New mom: [happy] She’s so beautiful. And she has your nose.
New dad: [suspicious] No, she doesn’t.
New mom: I was addressing the elephant in the room.
Elephant: [just walked in with flowers] shit….
restuarants need to start hanging up pictures of their bathrooms outside so i know what im getting before i walk in the damn place
Me: I was so drunk last night. Who was the hot redhead I was talking to for so long?
Friend: That was a statue of Ronald McDonald.
Apparently, Indian banks will give you a loan only if you prove that you don’t need it.
North and South
[at the cheesecake factory]
me: I will have the cheesecake
waiter: okay
It’s a good thing I brought poopy bags so my dog can clean up after me.
another car tip: once a month, open the hood and rip out one thing. most of the engine is decorative and weighs down your car
[writing in my journal about the girl I like]
Her hair was soft like really soft hair, her lips surrounded her mouth all the time.
[watching The Brady Bunch before kids] Why would a stay-at-home mom need a live-in maid?
[after kids] Holy crap I need three live-in maids.
*pronounces UPS like yoops
You (irrational, cowardly): Don’t panic, but there’s a small fire in the building
Me (stoic, level-headed, brave even): *picks you up and uses you as a battering ram for my hurried escape*
To clean up or just move. This is the question.
LOL, Investigation Discovery, for assuming your victim was murdered at night just because she’s wearing pajamas.