Friend: What do your kids like to eat?
Me: Anything that is on my plate, even though it’s also on theirs.
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That sure is a big fat burrito you got there, be a shame if someone snapped a pic just as you were about take a bite then photoshopped a baby over it.
I don’t have anybody to eat dinner with so I share my dinner with the sky chickens.
My Neighbor- * Yelling from a distance*
Dam it! Would you please stop feeding the seagulls. They keep shitting on my Jeep.
WIFE: Kate’s new baby is 7lbs 11oz
ME:
WIFE: Roughly ½ a stone
ME:
WIFE: 3½ kilos
ME:
WIFE: [sigh] a four pack of beer
ME: Oh cool
A geneticist’s refrigerator has a CRISPR drawer
Rather than waste money on charity for the homeless, let’s invest in splicing their genes with snails so they always have their own shelter.
Peppa pig = spicy bacon
Dry sarcasm assumes the existence of moist sarcasm.
A tampon just fell out of my bag as I went to pay for something at a garage & a grown man in his construction gear laughed…….at a tampon….
So I looked at him and asked him did he want to keep it since it brought him way more entertainment than it will ever bring me.
Remember when you were 16 in drama class and you were like “Pfft. Whatever, I’ll never use this” and then your parents open their now empty liquor cabinet and you had to be like “Forsooth! What treachery has befallen my family?”
Me: I have an imaginary gf.
Therapist: U can do better than that.
M: I know, it’s just–
T: I was talking to her.
This painting is titled “Mother, May I Sleep with Danger?”
[feeling confident] *trips on a leaf*
*at interview*
Him: What would you say are your strengths?
Me: Words
Him: Can you say more?
Me: More
Him:
Me: I’m also good at directions
incredible
Animals who have bright colors and patterns in the wild are considered dangerous and shouldn’t be messed with.
*Updates work wardrobe to bright, loud colors and patterns*
“Well maybe they shouldn’t make soap out of animal fat if they didn’t want people to eat it!” I yell from the emergency room, mouth foaming
Accidentally went on a tiger date instead of a tinder date and it was way better because whether she swipes left or swipes right I still die
Kind of lied on my Tinder profile and said I had a boat*
*gravy
“Say it!”
“No!”
“Say it, Hans.”
“My name’s not Hans!”
“I WILL drop you.”
“Fine, okay, you win!”
“I need to hear you say it.”
“Die Hard is a Christmas movie!”
The earth moves 1.6 million miles per day. So no I didn’t just “lay in bed and watch TV all day” I traveled very far thank u
funny thing about zombie movies — they never seem to go after the cameraman 🤷♀️
“Anyone can find the switch after the lights are on.”
– Confucius, who died in 479 BCE and was apparently also a time traveler
I only have Facebook to keep track of where everyone I know is going to be, so I don’t show up there.
My daughter just asked for nunchucks for her 12th birthday. Have to say, I’m 50% proud, 30% amused and 100% terrified.
Kids who were good at lying grew up to be meteorologists
It turns out that when you’re asked which kid is your favorite, you’re expected to pick from your own. I know that now.
When faced with a dilemma, I just whisper softly to myself
” What would Homer Simpson do?”
Motherhood is the perfect combination of heart swelling pride and “I didn’t sign up for this.”
I don’t want flying cars, I want the ability to start again from my last save point
Once again the nurse sighs and writes “patient refused to step on scale” into my medical chart.