In every teen body-swap film there’s that moment where they look in the mirror & are shocked to see an adult.
That’s my morning routine now.
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Straight guys on twitter, If you haven’t been hit on by a gay guy on here take a long look at yourself & figure out what’s wrong with you.
That awkward moment when someone says “stop”, and you don’t know whether to respond with “collaborate and listen” or “hammer time.”
Vegan zombies be like: GRAINS!
North Korea shows that you don’t need religion to be crazy.
I have a Boo and a Bae. I guess you can say I have Boobaes.
ME *traps wasp under a cup*
MAGICIAN GHOST WHO HAUNTS ME: *appears & sets down 2 more cups*
ME: no
MAGICIAN GHOST: *starts to shuffle them*
I just saw a man get hit by a car…he got hit & fell down & then got up & chased the car down the block!!!! His legs must be strong as shit
I could be happily married to some dude for 50 year an id still be textin ma pals like “omg do u think he likes me???”
[house hunting]
Loved that one. Great price & the owner seemed trustworthy
HER: It was next to a sewage plant & he had three eyepatches on
Doctor: So what brings you in today?
Me: Stay with me here…I’m pretty sure there is a bus full of elementary age children flying around my small intestine.
*entire building at my work loses power*
*I run all the way to Linda’s office*
Remember when you said light up shoes were a dumb idea?
Why DOES “February” have that extra R? It should just be “Februay.”
Wife: You know Frosted Flakes aren’t healthy, right? You should be eating better at your age.
Me: The tiger says they’re forty fived with vitamins and minerals
I’m calling the cops.
Just checked weather. If anyone is curious what’s in my wardrobe, find me tomorrow. I will be wearing every article of clothing I own.
inappropriate Care Bears be like:
I met my wife on Tinder.!
*After 4 months of marriage
She blinded me with science. Fine, it was mace, but she sprayed it very scientifically.
The best part about pooping with the bathroom door open in the morning is being able to see everyones face at Starbucks.
Jesus rose from the grave because he forgot to clear his browser History
[1st date]
Me: I’ve got crabs
[date leaves]
[back home looking at my fish tank]
“It’s all right guys, one day I’ll find one who’ll like you”
Overheard a woman say very angrily on the phone “I married a stale ham sandwich of a human” and calling someone a stale ham sandwich is probably my new favorite insult
4yo: mom the whistle makes my brain hurt
me: same
4yo: *blows whistle again*
trying to get through to Mozart on the Ouija board I really want him to listen to the Thong Song
Hot girl in the avatar, but no selfies in your pics.
I’m just gonna call you “bro” from now on.
First day as a drug dealer. Made a ton of sales. Boy are people forgetful, they all left their wallets at home.Gonna be rich tomorrow though
Me: Excuse me sir, can you please forward my X-ray and breast exam results to my doctor
Airport security:…
*tries to turn on TV*
TV: I have a boyfriend
Smile they said.