If you want to rob a white person, just say: “Stop, collaborate, and listen,” then steal their stuff while they rap the rest of the song.
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It’s impossible to lick your elbow. You never let me. Please. I want this.
Me: it’s time to go
Kids: wait. I cannot possibly leave without my emotional support toothpick but I don’t know where it is
It wouldn’t kill this religion to throw a virgin in a volcano every now & then.
Anyway, thats why they removed the suggestion box from Mass
We thought our son was excited for us to attend Back-to-School night so we could meet his teacher…Turns out, his actual excitement was bc he couldn’t wait to show us the bathroom stall he had carefully chosen…“to do all the pooping in.”
I may not look good naked, but I’m a beautiful person on the insi….
Hahahaha just kidding
I look great naked
I put my pants on like everyone else, 2 seconds before the zoom meeting starts.
Dating advice: Don’t just tell her you have diarrhea, show her
The key to doing well at wordle is to think Britishly
If the world was serious about embracing renewable energy, someone would have already called me about harnessing the power from my 4 year old’s shouting
My headphones have been pausing to say “battery low” every 2 minutes for the past hour. This is how music is meant to be enjoyed.
Y’all think a holey cow makes swiss cheese?
If Amazon had a dating app:
You recently got married! Here are some similar people you may be interested in
Life Coach: there are 2 wolves inside of you. The one that-
Me: are they ghosts? Spirit wolves? Do I have wolf powers or-
Life Coach: *slowly returning business card to wallet*
Me: No matter what you do in life, I’ll always be there for you.
Wife: Stop making promises to the pig.
“Hi, I’m Rob Thomas for the Organ Donor Association. Give me your heart, make it real or else forget about it.”
I still remember the childhood pain of having to wear a sweater over my Halloween costume, so don’t say I don’t know tragedy.
What’s the worst that could happen? Tried my lady’s body lotion on my face and my face turned into a body, kept doing that hoping to bring back my face and that’s how I ended up 37 feet tall
[Opens a beer at the park]
“Dude. There’s kids here.”
Oh shit how rude of me. [turns] IF YOU KIDS WANT SOME BEERS THEYRE IN THE COOLER
I think with my tax refund this year I’ll buy a commercial freezer because the bodies keep falling out of the smaller ones and it scares the dog.
I’ll never understand women. A species that loathes you for asking their age, but tortures you forever if you forget their birthday.
Dear people who combine Christmas and birthday gifts,
WE HATE YOU!
Sincerely,
Everyone born in December.
Thursday
It was easier to pick a career when the only choices were farming and witchcraft
Dad: relax kids, no monkey business in a nice restaurant
[table over]
Monkey 1: *slams briefcase shut, stands up*
Monkey 2: not worth it man
My Coworker Bryce lost his license and now has to ride his bike into work and he didn’t even laugh when I called him Brycycle
If you drink straight from the pitcher, it’s technically only one margarita.
*Moses opens tablet*
You have TEN unread commandments.
people say opposites attract but I say find a partner who’s deranged in the same ways you are and double your capacity to be annoying