If you want your dog to take a pill:
1. Get a piece of cheese
2. Eat the cheese for energy
3. Get ready to wrestle your dog
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How to kill a spider: get a piece of tissue paper, approach it slowly, and very carefully, burn the house down.
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single “I’m going out for cigarettes.”
I can’t believe I have appendicitis in the middle of a global pandemic. this is legit funny like can my body read the room one time???
Some of you ladies must go through an astonishing amount of laundry considering how wet you always are
Bigfoot is real… or rather he was real and quite delicious.
*meeting
Boss: Are you sleeping?!
Me: Well I *was*.
The Weeknd is Canadian, he should be adding letters to his name not removing them
Yes little lemonade stand girl, I do want change from that twenty dollar bill.
Him: I’ll hold your hair while you throw up
Her: *throws up*
Him: *throws up in her hair*
FRIEND WHO JUST GOT BIT BY A VERY VENOMOUS SPIDER: Hurry, the antidote!
ME: This reminds me of a time
FRIEND: No, not an anecdote! *Dies*
College Math: Your kid lives in a dorm room the size of a matchbox. When she moves home, her belongings fill every inch of an entire house. How is it possible? Calculator allowed. Show your work.
STEPS TO FOLD A FITTED SHEET
1) PUT SHEET ON BED
2) FOLD BED
Guy: so what u up to after this?
Me: {remembering my friend said to be mysterious but quirky} probably eat a whole red onion in an alley
Me: “You do NOT need any chips. Please leave them alone.”
6y/o, running off with bag of chips: “Yay, it says it’s Party Size!”
*trips, dumps half of the chips on the floor*
8y/o: “I think it’s more of a Family Size bag now?”
People who tell you to get your kids to help don’t understand how kids work
Those three magic words,
-You can have my taco.Ps. Shut it, maths police.
Oh baby let me lick your [Googs term for spiral pasta real quick]
I’m exceptionally skilled at accomplishing absolutely nothing while screwing something up, therefore accomplishing less than zilch.
[adjusting my guitar strap after playing my first song at an open mic] this next one is also about my cat
A gym so fancy they call it a James.
I don’t need an alarm clock, I have a 70 lb lab riddled with separation anxiety that wakes up at 5:35 am barking, OH LAWD I AM ALONE FOREVER WHERE ARE YOU DID YOU LEAVE ME FOREVER THIS IS AN EMERGENCY TIMMY IS IN THE WELL HELP ME I AM PANICKING ALIENS HAVE LANDED PLEASE COME NOW
PHARMACIST : Take this medication with food.
ME : Relax, buddy. I take everything with food.
Old man reading a newspaper looks at me, and says, ‘The society has a long way to go.’ I told him, ‘I know — I’m from the future’
my mom: you still coming over today?
me: definitely
mom: great I have a few things from IKEA for you to put tog—
me: i cant make it
KID: I’m a brat!
WILLY WONKA: I am going to have you murdered.
Huge respect for Parasite, but Ford v Ferrari deserved to win just for the opening scene
I went to nearby motivational speaker session
Was disappointed
There were no speaker
Just humans
Can you believe it
Me: I said you can’t eat candy.
4-year-old: I’m not eating it.
Me: I see it in your mouth.
4: I’m just storing it in my cheeks for later.
Your odds are greater of being killed by a coconut rather than a shark and this is exactly why I don’t swim in coconut-infested waters.