If you want your friends to stop asking you to work out with them, go once. Show up in leather. Bring your workout cake.
You Might Also Like
THE WEEKND: I can’t feel my face when I’m with you
DENTIST (injecting novocaine): that’s kinda the point dude
Him: hey see you around
Me, a flat earther: *eyes narrow* yeah see you ahead
The photographer’s assistant
[party city]
employee: you don’t work here—why are you taking an inventory of these cardboard cutouts of sherlock?
me: I’ve got stock holmes syndrome
Being a parent of multiple kids sometimes feels like being an unqualified judge in the most pointless trial you can imagine
Not sure what to say when asked about the bruise on my face, because the truth is I walked into the side mirror of my truck.
I know everyone’s like “the only way to kill Dracula is a stake through the heart” but in modern times I think we should at least try hitting him with a very fast car
A child is like a CD. You enjoy it for a while and then forget it in the car.
“This does not bode well.” – a guy at the returns desk, explaining why he’s returning a boder.
mother’s day idea: treat your mom as she has treated you! force her to take piano lessons
imagine a world where there’s like 30 other guys who look exactly like you and you all go everywhere together and you’re all constantly screaming. that’s what being a crow is like. hard not to be jealous of that lifestyle…
I tell people I broke my neck playing sports but it was actually from flicking my ponytail to unleash ancient curses.
Do I have to wear real clothes?
-my kid on the last day of school
On the phone with my therapist and she is clearly going through the McDonalds drive through 😓
If squirrels could talk, they’d have British accents.
if they go extinct, would they be goodbyenas?
me: the doctor said i have to stay in bed
boss: ok how long?
me: just a normal bed
Pelican trying to eat a capybara.. 😅
My wife says the kids look just like their father…
…and if I ever find out who he is, he’s got some explaining to do
Me: I don’t know…this one has a great turning radius but the other one just looks better.
Husband: For God’s sake, just grab the next available shopping cart!
My tinder profile shows me crying holding a mediocre fish.
Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.
I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!
Wife: I’m going to wine down
Me: You mean wind down
Wife: No
Me- WHOA, let me Google that for ya
CW- Google what?
* (types)why is my CW an annoying dipshit
* makes eye contact
*slow presses enter
Top 3 things that cause my 10yo the most fear and trepidation:
3. Oversized sharks
2. Rooms with large spiders in them
1. Being served a burger with mayonnaise on it
My daughter still doesn’t understand this math problem even though I’ve explained it in several different frustrated tones.
[NASA press conf]
“good news: we found a cat on Mars”
REPORTER: & the bad news?
“[recalls Curiosity rover running it over] uh it’s sleeping”
Social butterfly? Nah.
I’m more like a social Sasquatch. Some people swear they’ve seen me, but no one really believes them.
All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all French toast.
the other one is “smunchy” which is we stopped making the smooth peanut butter early. i’m close to becoming a smooth peanut butter guy just so i can eat a finished product