If you want your friends to stop asking you to work out with them, go once. Show up in leather. Bring your workout cake.
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HR: Can you explain the recent unemployment in your resume?
Me: Yes, that was a period of time when I was not working. But guess what?
HR: What?
Me: You can fix that right here, right now
Don’t accidentally make eye contact with your dog while you’re eating. It’s a trap.
The vegetable crisper or as I call it, the cold garbage can.
Stealing being illegal is why I can’t have nice things.
Why is it called a bathroom scented candle and not a john wick?
Boss: You gonna get any work done today?
Me: Sorry Boss, I was up late watching the game, I’ll pick it up.
B: Who won?
M: Jack Daniels
Maybe this is the Windows software update that changes everything for me.
Hand dryers are a great way to see how your hands look while skydiving.
Live everyday as if it’s your first. That way, you can rob a bank and say you didn’t know that was wrong.
So you’re meant to master things after 10000 hrs of practice and I’ve spent at least that amount of time eating
But I still bite the inside of my mouth
Just heard someone refer to their dog as their daughter. If I’d known I could pull that bullshit off I never would have had an actual child.
You can just tell people you’re writing a novel even if you’re not. There will not be follow up questions.
My husband has recently discovered that he’s a coffee snob.
Husband: I think I’d like a grinder.
12yo: Download it from the app store
Me:
Husband:
12yo:
Just once I’d like a number between 1 and 10 to think of me.
I just went through the $10 carwash by myself without any kids and it was the best vacation I’ve been on in 4 years.
chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
My husband just asked this southern 8 ball if I loved him. It said “bless your heart” 😆
Letting my son turn the pages when we read together so he’s more engaged with the story and also because sometimes he accidentally skips pages.
WIFE: I’m pregnant
ME: oh god no
WIFE: I’m kidding
ME: I heard you the first time
When I am president, it will be legal to grab the waists of slow and distracted pedestrians on cell phones and race them along.
Be nice to people on your way up so they won’t get suspicious when you’re rich and you invite them to your island to hunt them for sport.
I have got to start making popcorn before I login to Twitter to watch my shows
will never understand why soccer players celebrate a goal by running around more. you did good! take a lil’ break
Yeah, it was hard talking the little lady into it; but I showed her the top child psychologists agree that competition is healthy amongst siblings. So that’s Gargamel, our 7 year old, and our 3 year old baby girl here is named Papa Smurf.
I feel as though we’ve come too far as a society to go camping on purpose.
Plastic surgeons offer a rhinoplasty menu so you can pick your nose.
[Being chased by killer]
Me: *Frantically tries to finish my Amazon order*
me: so hear me out, the musical cats but it’s frogs
boss: you remember getting fired yesterday right
Melania Trump doesn’t want to live in the same place as her husband.
More than half of America feels the same way.
Never knew kids were magicians until they started magically appearing at the sound of wrappers opening