If you want your uninvited guests to leave, seat them comfortably in the basement, then go upstairs and watch TV.
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Uhh, hells yeah Id like to participate in your brief survey.
Bear Grylls: *cuts with knife* These can be edible, but I must avoid the toxic parts.
Taco Bell Manager: You need permission to film in here
“You are what you eat” I chant furiously, shoving another roach in my mouth. Mushroom clouds keep growing in the distance
why do people say “i better sleep on it” when it’s like a serious thing they need to think about? i have dreams where i eat a tomato full of bees. how is that supposed to help my life choices?
“I’m going to make a great mother one day” I whisper to myself as I catch my burrito mid-fall and only a single bean spills out
SON: dad why is my sister named Rose
DAD: because your mother loves roses
SON: i see. thank you dad
DAD: no problem, My Beautiful Wife
Our dog runs away so much, I’m just going to spray paint our phone number on her side.
My👏spacebar👏is👏broken👏so👏I’m👏using👏the👏clapping👏emoji👏instead👏I’m👏not👏trying👏to👏make👏a👏point
Her: Show me your pics
Me: Ok*blackberry restarts*
*waiting*
*gets married*
*have kids*Son: Dad, your phone finished restarting
*dies*
There are 3 types of guys in this world
● 1) Handsome
● 2) Lucky
● 3) Me
Kinda rude that books come in volumes when librarians hate sound
Really, every section of the greeting card aisle could be called “Societal Obligation.”
If he says “you’re 1 in a million” it means he either has no knowledge of the world population or he thinks there are 7000 people like you
*still doesn’t understand when or why asterisks started indicating action*
JOSEPH: who did you name me after?
ME: you were named after my grandfather
GREGGNOG: what about me dad?
Sad how some stick figures get stuck working the hangman game, while others get to have nice families on the back of SUVs
Titanic should have been called “Vacation Boyfriend”
#ImNotWorriedCuz I’ve got a license
My 8yo daughter said people are hoarding toilet paper so they can hug it and use it as a stress reliever, and my 6yo son said that it’s more likely they’re all making forts out of toilet paper to protect them from COVID-19. Idk… forts, probably.
ME: Hold on, let’s stay in the car until the song ends.
UBER DRIVER: No.
Me: Screams into the void
Void: screams back
Me: Screams into void again
Void:
Me:
Void: welp this is awkward, but I was actually screaming to the person behind you
No member of any family has the same interpretation of the sentence “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
Me: [adjusting cargo shorts] These babies are built for performance.
My wife: You’ve been sitting on the couch watching football all day
Me: [pulling a small container of bean dip out of one pocket and a bag of tortilla chips out of another] Was a question in there somewhere?
[ first day of engineer school ]
teacher: and what don’t we call them
me: choo choos
teacher: [nodding] choo choos
Cop: “Are you driving under the influence?”
Me: “No.”
Cop: “Say the alphabet backwards.”
Me: “Tebahpla eht.”
Not much, just measuring things in cups to annoy Europeans, what about you?
i couldn’t tell you, officer, they were wearing masks, they could have been any group of armed anthropomorphic turtles
Years ago, scientists knew barely anything about space! It was probably because those scientists were babies
[moth meeting]
Moth: I was thinking, since we all love the light so much why don’t we come out during the day?
Head moth: no, we fly into lamps until we die