@iwearaonesie: if you want your wife to take you seriously, don't throw your sippy cup during an argument
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@TitansHomer: How do Mexicans cut their pizza? With Little Ceasars *drops mic, Harlem shakes off stage*
@ArfMeasures: [Wife rubbing her temples after I told her how my job interview went] What...what do you mean, you "tried some breakdancing"?
@LoveNLunchmeat: Nothing makes sex more awkward than realizing your kid is awake... and standing outside your door... and playing the harmonica.
@tastefactory: "I'm the only cop on the force who can play the bassoon dammit" "Not anymore" New cop in sunglasses walks in, just killing it on the bassoon