if you want your wife to take you seriously, don’t throw your sippy cup during an argument
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When clowns first attacked these shores nobody took it seriously. It’s just one boat, how many could there be, they said.
I got caught with my hand in cookie jar again.
I really need a better nickname for her.
My wife put the screws leftover from the dishwasher repair in a frame and hung it on the wall.
It’s not funny.
Life was good until I ripped my pants… now life is good and ventilated.
Maybe a ninja is fighting a chameleon right in front of you.
Ever think of that??
If I was a vampire, pretty sure I’d find a way to cover blood in cheese.
“My name is Robert and I support apples.”
— Bob for apples
Him [angrily]: You borrowed my car and it’s a mess. McDonald’s wrappers, fries on the floor…
Me: Let me stop you right there, because first of all, I never TOUCH McDonald’s. It’s Wendy’s.
*10 min into new workout*
Me: are my knees supposed to make this screaming sound?
My Millennial gets her Masters in December and of course I’m proud but she called me last week to say our toaster broke and long story short, she plugged the wrong appliance in.
Before I drop my kids off at school, I ask if they’re ready to be yeeted out of the car, and they all start chanting, “YEET, YEET YEET…” So yeah… pretty sure I’ve peaked.
Actually Jesus wasn’t the carpenter, Joseph was. You’re thinking of the Carpenter’s Monster
playboy: “apparently they just read it for the articles” [takes out all nude women]
every man on earth: “well this has back-fired massively”
You’re not meeting me at my best, my best was like 10 minutes 16 years ago
[first date]
Date: how much do you drink a week?
Me: Haha, I don’t even answer that at my check up.
Date: right.. Let’s do shots.
Me: i love shots.
Date, pulling off glasses to reveal my Doctor: gotcha
No one rushes to view your WhatsApp status like people who have their read receipt off.
So it turns out the child that cost me the most money in the Legoland store……was me.
Why is it that in horror movies, no matter how many times I shout at the screen, the characters never seem to listen? I’m trying to save you idiots!
“Remember six seconds ago when you were comfortable?”
– oscillating fans
All the Kings men: we need some kind of adhesive
All the kings horses: why is everyone looking at us
The shopkeeper in my local store is such a nice guy and he often offers candy for my kids. I’ve resisted so far but if he throws in a quart of vodka too he has himself a deal.
me: waiter this soup is cold
waiter: it’s Gazpacho
me: Gazpacho this soup is cold
When this pandemic is over, I’m going to French kiss every escalator handrail at the mall
Ah..makes sense now
breaking: schrute farms has banned kanye, no beets for him.
7 came home to a “7” balloon on his birthday & asked “Why is there an upside-down L balloon here?” & I’m really excited because now I can spend his college fund on that tummy tuck with a clear conscience.
LOCAL BOTS ARE SICK AND TIRED OF PRETENDING TO BE HOT LOCAL SINGLES AND WANT YOU TO ACCEPT THEM AS THEY ARE; LINES OF CODE AND NOTHING MORE
I mentioned to my wife that her lingerie is quite revealing…
and she replied, “Well, then wear your own!”
I’m just a girl, with a baseball bat, smashing my internet modem into a gazillion pieces.
I saw a bumper sticker that said “retired AF”
Not sure if he was Air Force, or just super retired