If you wash cheese with antibacterial soap, it turns back into milk.
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I call a spade a “spade.”
I also call a horse a “horse” and a pencil a “pencil.”
When it comes to calling things by their names, I am no one to be trifled with.
My current situation
[on knees]
“Oh God… please make this hangover go away.”
[from heavens]
“Due to the Saint Patrick’s Day holiday, we are experiencing abnormally high call volumes. Please hold, and God will answer your prayers in the order in which they were received.”
My son just showed me something he made and asked “Do you like it, or do you love it?” and those are the only options I’m giving people from now on
My neighbor is power washing his driveway for the third day in a row so to make him stop I’m sending over a marriage counselor.
Isn’t it ironic that all of Alanis Morissette’s friends knew her song had nothing to do with irony but, being Canadian, were too polite to tell her.
“Kids, are you asleep?”
Kids:
*turns off the wifi*
MUUUUUUUUUUM
Funny how bullies only bully people who are susceptible to bullying.
They don’t bully people who’d throat punch em without thinking twice.
Wife: don’t forget to pick the kids up from school
Me: it’s Saturday, they’re both upstairs
Wife: it’s Wednesday & we have 3 kids
Puts cardboard cutout of myself at my desk a week ago*
Receives check*
Dang I just got a raise
My husband still talks about that one time he loaded the dishwasher correctly like it’s going to get our kids into Harvard.
Who called it a “Brazilian wax” and not “another way to skin the cat?
ME: I’m glad we don’t feel confined to traditional relationship gender roles. Who cares what the man or woman is SUPPOSED to be? We are who we are.
GIRLFRIEND: If you don’t want to kill the spider don’t kill the spider.
ME: It’s just SO big.
If you really want to impress me with the year a bottle of wine was made, bring me one from 2024….
Everyone keeps asking me if I’m okay, and I think it’s because I keep showing up to places looking like I was hit by a truck.
The Five Sizes of Penises:
1. Small
2. Medium,
3. Large,
4. Oh My God!…and
5. Is that available in white??
AITA? I’m irritable because It was his idea to get walkie talkies, but he refuses to say “over” after each message.
[from the sperm donation room]
Me: *screaming with the door cracked open* I NEED MORE CUPS
I honestly think we are asking too much of cauliflower.
One minute without you feels like 60 seconds.
If television has taught me anything, it’s that I can totally outrun an explosion.
[Red Lobster]
Waiter: we’re offering Endless Shrimp.
Me: bring me the endless shrimp
<5 days later>
Waiter: please leave, I have a family
Me: ‘I love you so much, I’ll see you later beautiful’
Girlfriend: ‘I love you too’
Me: *Looks up from patting dog*
‘Yeah see you later’
Do you ever wake up.
Kiss the person beside you, and just be thankful to be alive.I did.
Not really appreciated on flights apparently
If you tell a sob story on American Idol they pick you, so it’s like Twitter
We interrupt this moment of self-isolation to focus on my withdrawals & strained relationship with my local bakery.
Him: Can I have a bite of your dessert?
Me: I think we should see other people.
[gets pulled over for speeding]
Where’s the fire ma’am?
*grips lighter*
“I’m not sure yet”
I inform my 4 year old that she’s going to a friend’s house 5 minutes before we leave so she only asks me when we’re going 6000 times.
Parents will complain about their kids wanting to read the same book every night and then go watch the office for the bajillionth time.