@papasuncle: If you watch 2016 backwards, it's a heartwarming story of how celebrities can come back to life just by trending on the Internet.
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@ScottLinnen: Always keep an axe by the front door so I can give the other Jehovah something awesome to witness.
@XplodingUnicorn: I rank my kids by how many chores they do and how much they complain. My favorite child is the Roomba.
@withanewname: "Full bath?" "Yes sir" "Double beds?" "Yes sir" "Pool?" "Yes sir" "Maid service?" "Yes sir" "WIFI?" "Yes sir" "Kids, I found a campsite!"
@BuckyIsotope: [on first date] Yes I'll have the- *whispers to waiter* I don't speak French *points at menu* "The French toast, sir?" Yeah. 6 of those.