If you watch 2016 backwards, it’s a heartwarming story of how celebrities can come back to life just by trending on the Internet.
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[Observation Ward]
Me: *thinking aloud* Santa Monica implies the existence of Santa Chandler, Santa Ross-
Doctor 1: Take his phone
Doctor 2: I did that three hours ago
Doctor 1: Ugh… give it back maybe?
A baby proofing service where I sic my toddler on your house so you can see exactly where you need to baby proof.
[jumps in Uber]
ME: HURRY I’M LATE
UBER: [starts driving]
ME: PULL OVER HERE
[jumps out, pets dog]
ME: [jumps back in] GO GO GO
Mermaids: Can’t live with them, can’t beat them in a potato sack race.
[to girl i just brought home] watch your step, i was playing with my legos earlier
Getting a text message from your ex is like getting a message from Satan on an Ouija board.
Marry someone the same size as you to avoid decades of annoyance adjusting the seats and mirrors in the car
me: do you mind i can’t go with other people in the room
cellmate: buddy i don’t know what to tell you
I should’ve never taught my parrot to say the alphabet backwards now he drives drunk all the time the cops can’t do shit it’s a real problem
“Mommy, mommy, mommy, mom, mom, mommy, mom, mommy!”
-Mormon kids
People in horror movies be like “I’m going to walk through this door and not close it behind me”
What is the best nickname for a nun in heaven?
If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.
The answer was “Nun of the Above”.
Fitness Magazine:
Page 10: How to lose weight and keep it off.
Page 11: How to love yourself the way God made you.
Page 12: Dessert recipes.
Polar Bear: AHHHHHHHH.
God: please stop screaming.
Polar Bear: but I’m a ghost bear!
God: you aren’t a ghost bear.
Polar Bear: are you sure?
God: that’s just how you look.
Polar Bear: oh. ok.
[Swan flies by]
God: AHHHHH GHOST DUCK!
Read an article that said Google is making us dumber. whatever, I’ve always used Google and I’m super [googles synonym for smart] able.
All hugs are good hugs except bear hugs. A bear hug is like a regular hug except you die at the end…
I just danced in front of my cat and he yawned.
True story.
you ok? you’ve barely touched your crocissant
Banned from Yelp for including “the rat seems to be vulnerable to attacks from behind or when adjusting mask” in my Chuck E Cheese review
The first people who called chocolate a vegetable are the real heroes.
I see your baker’s dozen and raise you a mom’s dozen (11 because you ate one when the kids weren’t looking)
When meeting someone new, there should be a grace period after which they tell us their names again
The best trick to ordering pizza is asking them not to cut it. By law, they can only charge you for one slice.
Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.
[Christmas morning]
Kids: [all screaming while opening their presents]
An app that lets you book a house without the owner’s permission, call it AirBnE
HER: I love classic rock
ME: [trying to impress] I’ve been to the Grand Canyon
Engineer: A short circuit in the deer’s nose could cause it to glow red hot. Yes, it’s dangerous.
But should we recall, the most famous reindeer of all?
Are you ok?
– my 6yo watching me put the sheets on her bunk bed.
Mini-horses are like mini-donuts, you can’t just eat one
Sad to think that the Grandma from the Nutty Professor is probably dead by now.