If you watch Beauty & the Beast backwards a grown man devolves into a monster then into a petulant little boy. It’s basically Twitter.
You Might Also Like
Indiana Jones and the Childproof Cap
[sitting at a table]
Wife: writes number on paper and slides it across.
Me: crosses out and writes new number*thermostat negotiations*
sry
I’m quitting modelling, I need more job security so I’m going to become a princess.
tired of age gap discourse. now let’s do vibes gap discourse, where one person in a couple lights up a room and the other is basically a sim
Once I get this cortisone cream on it’s gonna be all over for you itches.
In Canada, elevators only come with a ‘hold door open’ button and a ‘hold door open longer’ button
We need to put an end to all these motion activated Halloween props displayed in the stores. I prefer to do all my leaping and high pitched fear shrieking at home.
if elon musk married bill gates he would be elongates
really makes you think 🤔
Two squirrels in the backyard. But they are not playing together. Wonder if there’s history.
How to get ready for things :
1. Procrastinate for 5 hours
2. Panic 10 min before leaving
That awkward moment when you walk in on your sons having a yo momma insult contest.
Witness: I saw the defendant stabbing the victim.
Lawyer: Objection! Witness is ugly!
Judge: Sustained. Jury will disregard the statement.
Corona has showed me that if we had a zombie virus outbreak, we’d all be zombies within 2 weeks.
Best way to ensure social distancing is to carry a clipboard everywhere. You’re welcome.
Always keep an axe by the front door so I can give the other Jehovah something awesome to witness.
barn owls must have been stoked when the barn was invented
The wind kept blowing an old Burger King wrapper at my feet for over half a block
I know a sign from God when I see one
If you want to catch a bus you have to *think* like a bus.
People should come with disclaimers like:
May cause drowsiness or
Will end up sleeping w/your bf or
May induce homicidal ideations
Me “Waiter, why is there a live penguin in my soup?”
Waiter “we were worried the other birds would drown.”
[18 years after texting a guy “I’m pregnant”]
Him: hey I just saw your text
Friend: What’s your favourite season?
Me: Of which show?
Friend: 😐
Me: 😶
Friend: 😕
Me: 😐
Me: 👀💭
Me: Oh you meant like.. the weather.
fully vaccinated and about to show the geese in this parking lot who’s boss
HER: so like, what are you into?
ME: coincidences
HER: no way, me too!
Me: Nice flowers. Co-worker: They’re from my boyfriend. Now I’m going to spend all weekend w/my legs in the air. Me: Don’t you have a vase?
[watching Titanic]
*leans over to my wife* That iceberg might be problematic.
I conduct all my high level anti-robot meetings in a hot tub. A precaution to make sure no one is a secret robot. They are poorly attended.
TEETH IS INNOCENT
If I owned a bar, the only food I’d serve would be warm buns and it would have a dance floor. I would name it Abundance.
I am so sorry.