If you watch Beauty & the Beast backwards a grown man devolves into a monster then into a petulant little boy. It’s basically Twitter.
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With every wisdom tooth lost, your mouth gets a little stupider.
I’m wondering how far I can go with this guy on Hinge who seemingly has no idea we went on multiple dates last year. The sex definitely won’t ring any bells but meeting my brother again might.
My husband was out with a friend of ours and texted me that he had crazy news about him, then wouldn’t text me the news and said it had to be told in person, so I had no choice but to file for divorce.
How dare you with another bird…😏😂🦜
relationship goals
Someone gave my boyfriend a book about men getting the upper hand in relationships and I told him to let me read it since he knows how much I love fiction
Do you know what happens after 8 tequila shots?
Me neither.
Stands at the gates of hell.
Waves to my mother in law.
Leaves.
Sure my kids were embarrassed when I asked to have a manager come to our table, but the menu didn’t list a 50¢ charge for extra ranch dressing and I’m hella pissed.
I mean I’m over it but I’m definitely going to bring it up again after a couple drinks
bible: love thy enemy
me: loves carbohydrates
11-year-old: I folded the laundry.
Me: You only folded one thing.
11: Is laundry plural?
The worst thing about owls is the way they can maintain eye contact when you put them in a microwave.
I’ve watched Dancing With The Stars with my wife all season and she just asked who I think should win. Quick! Someone tell me who’s on it!
Dance like you know what you’re supposed to do with your arms while dancing
God never gives you more than you can handle. But I’m not God. I’m just a bag boy. And you’ll wanna take these groceries out in the cart.
ACQUAINTANCE: read any good books lately?
ME: yeah, I just finished “How to Make Friends and Hypnotize People”
ACQUAINTANCE: I think it’s “Influence People”
ME: *swinging watch* no it’s not
FRIEND: you’re right buddy, it’s not
*getting murdered*
“When you’re done could you lay me on my back so my tummy flattens out?”
*opens paper towels*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens mail*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens package of scissors*
dog
me: It’s not f
Who is feeling this?
#HorrorFam #LordOfTheRings
My cousin Tay Tay vaped once at a party and she went on to steal hundreds of dollars in clothing from various stores we don’t know if it’s related but you can never be too careful
Tax tip: Even if it’s true, never list your dog as head of household. They’ll roll over under audit.
I don’t need WebMD to tell me what’s wrong with me, I have my mother.
I don’t care if you talk behind my back. Just speak up so I can hear you too.
Please don’t put a coin on my mouth when I die; I plan to wander the shores of the River Styx for 100 years & finally get that bikini body.
me: *gets vaccinated*
friend: now u can come to my wedd-
me: *gets unvaccinated*
How does a cricket know if his joke has bombed?
*changes the spelling of ‘team’ to ‘teaim’*
Well that’s one problem everyone talks about fixed.
Me at 5: I’ll be famous one day.
Me at 15: I’ll be successful one day.
Me at 25: I’ll take a great vacation one day
Me now: I’ll just eat this this sauerkraut straight from the can.
My sister’s credit card information was stolen, so being a good sister, I called to see how she was doing and tell her what I purchased at Bloomingdales.