If you watch Benjamin Buttons backwards it’s very confusing bc you can’t understand what people are saying
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Don’t worry about my probation officer, he just likes to watch.
I’m 41 years old, don’t ask me if I want to go see a band at 9:00 at night.
She told me she’d do anything for 20 bucks. Guess who just got his Mustang washed.
In my daydreams I’m majestic, like a hippo ballerina, but in reality, I’m a rhinoceros breakdancer.
Ugh, stalkers are horrible.
You’d think SOMEONE could’ve let me know I was out of toilet paper.
*getting kidnapped*
Me: wait, I need to pack 34 outfits
Can you imagine getting the girl of dream’s phone number and her first text to you she spells it “defantely”
Me: there’s just no way you ONLY have air conditioners
Lowes employee: *visibly uncomfortable*
Me: here’s the thing Curp
Lowes employee: it’s Curt
Me: here’s the thing Curd. I’m gonna need you to show me where the air shampoos are
[robber pulls gun]
ME: take my money but please don’t hurt me i’m an only child
MY DAD: [yelling from the car] he’s lying he has a brother
No coffin for me thanks. I want to be creamated and have my ashes stored in a nice Tupperware container.
If I was a microplastic I would simply not go in the ocean or anyone’s mouth.
Wife: Don’t forget we have plans tonight.
Me: I thought we were going to watch the game?
Wife: We? Do you have a mouse in your pocket?
Whispers to the mouse in my pocket: Maybe you should take the jersey off and put on your casual outfit…
Good boy 😂😂
They say you are what you eat but what happens if you didn’t mean to eat it. I don’t want to be a bug.
If you’re gonna murder me in my house at least help me straighten it up a little for the crime scene photos.
Interviewer: what makes you the best candidate for our transplant surgeon position?
Me: my tremendous hatred of rejection
I’m trying to like people but boy oh boy do they make it hard.
Me: Babe, I got carded today!
Husband: Showing your Costco membership at the entrance doesn’t count.
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
Going viral is a great way to see that 50,000 people looked at your profile and thought, nah.
I am also baked goods
*holds flashlight up to face*
When I was a kid we only had one uncoated pain reliever that started dissolving the second it hit your tongue.
*3 millennials faint, 2 vomit*
[in the ambulance]
Paramedic: what’s your blood type?
Me: whatever. I’m not fussy
The Golden Girls is the most relatable TV show for a millenial, as I too will be renting with several roommates until I’m 80
boss: hi
me: *pretends to read an email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read an email”
The greatest Valentines Day indignity is buying yourself a bottle of prosecco to drink with your cat, and discovering that neither of you can open it.
A stranger was knocking on my door so naturally I hid, but then we locked eyes and she started knocking on my window. Thought this was common knowledge but if you’re knocking on a door and you see the person crouching under their window like an idiot turtle, no one’s home.
Seismologists are loyal to a fault
I asked my wife suggestions for an exercise routine. She said, “Why don’t you try lunges?”
I said: “That’s a…big step.”
How’s your Saturday going?
I’ll go first: my 10 yo came upstairs from his video game haze to tell me the dog peed on the rug again. We don’t have a dog.