If you watch Benjamin Buttons backwards it’s very confusing bc you can’t understand what people are saying
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i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial distribct & all i coud think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”
“want to go grab some dinner?”
*lights cat on fire* sorry I can’t my cats on fire
I just want to bring your heart to it’s knees.
… And while you’re down there…
Apparently, if you stop to help an armored truck broke down on the side road, they’ll mace and taser you. In that order.
Today in who needs an alarm: my kid woke me up early by scream-whispering WHAT IS DUST?
Me: I’m heading to the grocery store. Any requests?
12-year-old: You know the stuff you usually buy?
Me: Yeah.
12: Don’t get any of it.
I’m less of a “Don’t say that” mom and more of a “Don’t say that at school” mom.
If I could go back in time, I’d probably stop Bruce Willis from saving us from that asteroid.
I want my house to be tidy enough so that if someone drops by unexpectedly it doesn’t look like we’re six days into battling a poltergeist.
I THOUGHT IT WAS AN EDIBLE
Don’t run with bagpipes. You could put an aye out. Or worse yet, get kilt.
everybody gangster til u put a spider in their plastic easter egg
I don’t think of them as cheap hotels, I think of them as fancy camping.
Hi everyone, welcome to Motorboat Club. Let’s get started on some sailing basics.
*Man in back row throws brochure on ground and storms out*
It’s like the people who drive Smart cars don’t even realize that other cars are an option.
Bad news: I think I may have broken my toe. Good news: the smart car I tripped over will be alright.
My Jehovah Witness girlfriend dumped me this new year, but I’m not that worried though.
She’ll come back knocking!!!
she would like to bark at the manager, please.
What if I said I wanted it all, right now, with you?
Costco worker: Ma’am, please save some cheese samples for other shoppers.
9 out of 10 times, if you call the 1-800 number printed on a consumer product, the person who answers won’t tell you what they’re wearing.
My wife texted me from the bedroom last night saying she ate crackers in bed and she needed help changing the sheets because crumbs were everywhere.
Turns out that was not an excuse to get me in the bedroom for sex. She literally ate crackers like our 4 yo.
Doesn’t matter who you are, when that moment comes for you to drop your child off at overnight camp, you will experience that same emotional reaction that all parents have in that moment:
Realizing there’s one goddamn thing on their list you forgot to pack.
My girlfriend was devastated to find out that my mates call me ‘The Love Machine’ because I’m terrible at tennis.
My family’s dull. All through his teens my brother had his head buried in a book before dad exhumed it & reattached to the rest of his body.
Please be gentle with me I used to be a baby
We can say “winter is coming” in a normal way again, right? Like it’s been long enough?
Trick-or-treating has been canceled, so this Halloween I will be giving out advice.
I have the credit card bills of a much wealthier man.
Got sent to HR for impersonating a fire alarm during a staff meeting again
them: schedules a work meeting after 4pm
me: my mom says i’m not allowed out after dark