If you watch COPS backwards it’s just a bunch of people overcoming miraculous obstacles to win free drugs
You Might Also Like
In High School I was pretty popular with all the boys.
I was known as “Hey, will you ask your friend if she likes me?”
Marriage vows in the future will include things like “During pandemics, I promise not to judge how many glasses of wine you drink.”
I somehow ended up with a set of 6 fake candles that work off a remote and the delight of the absolute power to light up the room from the couch was most unexpected.
God said: ‘Let there be Satan, so people don’t blame everything
on me. And let there be lawyers, so people don’t blame everything on Satan”
My wife and I play this fun game at home where one of us says, “Could you watch the kids for a minute?” and runs.
“Plagiarism Squad reporting for duty.” / “Copy that.”
Ever realize the only thing stopping you from a life of crime is a good night’s sleep? Anyway, I slept well.
My husband bought harmonicas for our kids and now I need to find a new family
[amazon dropping off my order]
Me: yes! my new recliner arrived!
Cat: yes! my new scratch pad arrived!
Me:
Cat: Tomato Tomahto
Accidentally walked into the women’s bathroom, went ahead and peed sitting down so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.
3200 BC: Man invents written language and abandons hieroglyphics
2023 AD: Man abandons written language in favor of memes
the most audacious part of the trojan horse plan must’ve been trying to keep all the soldiers inside from giggling so much
Intimidate your opponent by fielding a team of flying monkeys
“You know, your ex-wife was trash! I never liked her.”
“We’re still married, Grandma.”
“She’s such a lovely girl.”
Some guy called me a siren.
It’s like he doesn’t even care that I do beeping noises & I can purr & moan & do like all the other sounds, too.
The straw that broke the camel’s back was either an exceptionally large straw or that camel had some serious osteoporosis.
Gremlins(1984): a shopkeeper with a creature so powerful it could destroy all human life gives it to a 12yo boy. Many lives are lost.(PG13)
Today is the first day of the rest of your life and you’ve already screwed it up.
A single text to my mom is like pulling that loose thread on a sweater.
Just spent a week building a time machine. That’s seven days of my life I’m going to get back.
The existence of Kylo Ren implies the existence of Kylo Stimpy.
Husband: *leaves to run an errand*
Me: *crosses out “get husband to leave” off to-do list*
falling in love with me is cool more people should do it
My kids have apparently started a neighborhood rock washing business, they stick them in their pockets, I unknowingly put them through the machine and they come out all shiny on the other end
Me: i think i’m being hunted by a great white shark
Wife: nonsense, we’re on land
*Weirdly-shaped grandfather clock i don’t remember owning exhales sigh of relief*
Love is that feeling you get when you meet that special someone who hates all of your friends.
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
[Half of my body is already in the anaconda]
“Is this a date? This feels like a date.”
me: *dipping broccoli in fondue* check it out im skinny dipping lol
waiter:
me: get it cuz its a vegetable haha
waiter: where are ur clothes
*takes 5 more shots*
liver: wyd
brain: wyd
stomach: wyd
me to an ex: wyd