If you watch COPS backwards it’s just a bunch of people overcoming miraculous obstacles to win free drugs
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Now that I’m vaccinated I’m up for any social activity as long as it starts at six, ends by seven, involves food and doesn’t require real pants.
I am starving and horny. This cucumber is going in me one way or another.
There are usually two types of merchants.
Hey man be careful taking a nap. One of my buddies had a dream where he was getting chased around
Dear burglar, I’m really sorry about all the mess getting in your way, I wasn’t expecting company
Moms that name their daughters Stacy are the real narcissists.
Spoiler alert: The people who can’t believe your kid is in Kindergarten already won’t be able to believe they’re in any grade, any year ever
my ball rolled under the couch. and i cannot reach it. the human has been informed of the issue. and reminded. that my problems. are their problems
bruce banner: [getting angry]
black widow: here eat this [hands a mint]
bruce banner: what is this?
black widow: anger manageMINT.
hulk: [sighs heavily]
Once a neighbor kid asked if my dog had any nicknames & I lied & made a bunch up & now whenever I see her she asks how ‘Tree Trunk’ is doing
Me: waiter, do you have frog legs?
Waiter: of course monsieur
Me: good, hop over there and get me a beer
I hate when recipes tell you to take something out of the pan and add it back in later. No way bro. It’s staying in there.
her: how about we go to this restaurant? I heard it’s earned two Michelin stars
me: [trying to impress] my car has four Michelin tires
I’ve met all my fitness goals by integrating a balanced diet of lower standards.
My aunt unfriended me on Facebook so I can guarantee you that I will bring it up and ruin Thanksgiving this year.
thinking about the time someone asked me if there was any dairy in the tres leches cake i got. yes there’s tres
Why the phone ring longer when u ignoring the call
Just heard local reports of a stalker, which is funny because I watch everyone through their windows and none of them look suspicious
What about “BusinessMyspace”? Nah, it’s taken. Okay, what about “LinkedIn”?
6YO: Mom, I accidentally hit my sister in the head with my light saber
Me: Why are you —
8YO: MOM!! He hit me in the head with the light saber!!
6YO: I already told her, it’s over
“I’m having a public meltdown!!” – A Snowman, maybe.
Boss asked if I was ready for more responsibility. I’m eating around a sticker on an apple cause I’m too lazy to peel it off so I guess no.
You are what you eat.
*eats Ryan Gosling*
*crosses fingers*
Guinea pigs aren’t real pets. You buy them when your kids are begging for a dog, but you want to make them sad instead.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *buffing a shark* dolphin
*bride and groom kiss*
minister: wow im like right here
“Everything hurts and I’m always exhausted.”
WebMD: Parenthood
Looking for my glasses that my 5yo hid, but not having much success because I CAN’T FIND MY GLASSES.
When I’m good I’m great. When I’m not good I’m the piano falling out of the window of people